I wrote in:

I'm writing in response to Randy Cohen's July 5th column, "When to Out
a Transgendered Dater?" I'm not transgender, nor am I "transgendered,"
but Cohen's advice comes off as ignorant and irresponsible. One would
expect a self-appointed ethics scold to at least do basic research
into his subject before wagging his finger at the Times' transgender
readers.

Cohen perpetuates the old and hurtful stereotype that transgender
people are inherently deceitful and that they're not really who they
think they are. He compares not sharing transgender history on the
first date to not disclosing that one's married (because both are
signs of dishonesty and immorality) and even compares transgender
status to a contagious disease. If Cohen had managed to discuss
pedophilia and bestiality, he would have written a screed appropriate
for the Traditional Values Coalition.

A transgender man is a man and he's under no responsibility to
disclose his medical history on the first date. What is morally
reprehensible in this story is the letter writer's private
investigation into this man's past, violating his privacy, and Cohen's
suggestion that she has "every right" to share this information with
her friends. While she may and I doubt there's any legal recourse for
the man in this situation, one would hope that a column about ethics
would have pushed the letter writer to go beyond her legal obligations
to him and keep the information she discovered private.

--
~Alex Blaze
Managing Editor, The Bilerico Project, http://www.bilerico.com/

In the field of "Agony Aunts" (the British term for advice columnists), Randy Cohen stands among the lesser in quality of both writing and wisdom. I stopped reading him long ago and believe that his shelf life in that format was short, and yet he continues to hold a prominent position. He must have some fans.

I'd be willing to grant him a pass on his use of "transgendered" only because I, in my own column, have stumbled in the area of evolving terminology. I hope he will be as thankful for the corrections that come his way as have I.

Here is where he fails:

Even before a first kiss, this person should have told you those things that you would regard as germane to this phase of your evolving relationship, including his being transgendered. Clearly he thought you’d find it pertinent; that’s why he discreditably withheld it, lest you reject him.

Really? To follow his logic, we'd have to chide all cisgender women who ever went on a first date wearing hair extensions or false eyelashes and certainly that most evil of deceptions, the slightly padded bra!

I do hope people will write to him in protest. The silver lining is that this will call attention to the issue in an aula that is largely not LGBT.

Transsexual and transgender are not the same as gay or lesbian. For us being "out" is simply living our lives as members of the sex that allow us to feel comfortable in our own skins. (a concept from Jay Prosser).

What give Randy Cohen the authority to dictate this? What makes him an ethicist? The ability to operate and preach from some sort of heterosexist, religionist and regularly misogynists conservative position seems a pretty dubious place to set oneself up as an ethicist.

Transsexual and transgender people should never be compelled to wear a sign that subjects them to the bigotry stirred up by religious hate groups.

"He and I live in Orthodox Jewish communities. (I believe he converted shortly after he became a man.) I think he continues to date women within our group. Should I urge our rabbi to out this person? NAME WITHHELD, N.Y."

The most salient points:

This person is asking for authorization to out this person to a sect with a history of anti-LGBT/T bigotry.

She wants the Rabbi to lead a lynch mob of attack against this person.

She, herself knows this behavior is questionable on her part and so she is both looking for approval to do this and is hiding her own name.

The whole damned thing is sketchy. It puts all TS/TG folks in a bind that pretty much requires them to wear an arm band in a world where virtually all the major religions treat us as abominations.

I can certainly see why many people were upset by Randy Cohen's comments. I heard him read his comments on the podcast version of his NYT column and was aghast at his advicce.

Comparing being transgender to having a disease, adultery or a disorder is ludicrous and harmful.

Let me propose a question to those of you who are transgender. I am sure this comes up often and I honestly don't know the answer and am turning to you to be educated. When is it best to share your identity with a potential love interest?

Many of us have to come to terms with sharing personal information so this isn't just a gender identity issue. Parents must decide when to reveal that they have kids. If religion is important to an interest we must reveal our differences or atheism if things are getting serious. Obviously the potential rejection facing a transgender person is much stronger. But I often ask people when is the correct time to reveal more intimate details about ourselves.

In my efforts to be a proponent of my transgender brothers and sisters this is a question I sometimes am asked so some guidance is appreciated on how best to handle this question.

One more thing, I recommend that transgender people take advantage of Mr. Cohen's blunder to educate him. Flood his in-box with email pointing out his errors with a better suggested answer to the writer's question. Keep in mind one thing. Randy Cohen is extremely sarcastic in all of his comments (which has nothing to do with this particular answer). Therefore, I would take more umbrage with his content not his tone.

Maybe Mr Cohen might understand things better if you sent him this:

I am a white woman, and I was set up on a date with a man. We got along well initially, but I grew concerned about how evasive he was about his past. I did some sophisticated checking online — I do research professionally — and discovered that he has a Jewish mother. I then ended our relationship. He and I live in white communities. (I believe his mother converted shortly after he was born.) I think he continues to date women within our group. Should I urge our pastor to out this person? NAME WITHHELD, N.Y.

Changed religion? I feel emotionally exhausted if I get a new sport coat. But although this person behaved badly by not being more forthcoming with you, he is still entitled to some privacy. You should not prompt a public announcement about his being a Jew.

There are two questions here: What must close companions reveal to each other?And what may they reveal about each other to outsiders?

Getting to know someone is a gradual process. I might panic if on a first date someone began talking about what to name the nine kids she’s eager for us to raise in our new home under the sea. Premature disclosure can be as unnerving as protracted concealment. But as partners cultivate romance, and particularly as they move toward erotic involvement, there are things each should reveal, things they would not mention to a casual acquaintance — any history of S.T.D.’s, for example, or the existence of any current spouse. Even before a first kiss, this person should have told you those things that you would regard as germane to this phase of your evolving relationship, including his not being white. Clearly he thought you’d find it pertinent; that’s why he discreditably withheld it, lest you reject him.

As things stand, you have every right to talk this over with friends. We are entitled to discuss the most intimate aspects of our own lives — or what are friends for? But you may not distribute handbills around the neighborhood or ask your pastor to announce this from the pulpit. Even when the clothes come off — especially when the clothes come off — we expect discretion from our partners. Few people (except perhaps the bitter foes of Tommy Lee or Paris Hilton) want sextapes, or even vivid verbal descriptions of their sexual peccadilloes, posted online. And that goes for being Jewish. We rely on our friends — and even more so partners — to respect our privacy, even if the relationship sours.

I did some sophisticated checking online — I do research professionally — and discovered the name and address of NAME WITHHELD, N.Y. It's not hard, there aren't that many orthodox jewish women of the right age who do that kind of work. Should I out this yenta?

Not sure I agree. I certainly believe that gay people have an ethical obligation to avoid leading on potential love interests of the opposite sex by not coming out. Transgender people obviously have no obligation to wear some kind of scarlet letter on a first date, and the analogy to an STD is bigoted. But the information is probably material to many people in their dating decisions, and it does strike me unethical to postpone an honest disclosure too long. This isn't employment, housing, or some other commercial activity. Whether it's a preference for a particular race, religion, or whatever, dating, love, sex, and marriage are too intimate for us to presume to reject the other person's preference as illegitimate and defend a lack of disclosure on that basis.

Jillian - thank you for excellent article. This is indeed a very individual consideration and one with which I still battle. The considerations of whether there will even be a second date, or how to balance giving an individual time to know me as the person I am versus going too long as to appear deceitful has been a constant internal debate. I also avoid anything that might be considered intimate unless I've disclosed, including a kiss, but I cannot control another's impulse to kiss me without warning. Being in the medical field, the concept of HIPPA is also paramount in my mind; my medical history is no one's business until and unless it becomes relevant.

As for Mr. Cohen, as I read the article, the thought of pinning a yellow Star of David to his lapel also occurred to me. Go for it Randy!

This is the same newsish paper which ran an article a few years ago saying the bisexual men were gay and lying. Don't expect much in the way of reason from these people. Even when in NYC I don't read the rag.
Last year when we were doing a bi media event at the Center they wanted to help pay for it as long as they could have an exclusive access to the bisexuals. Of the three organizers my answer was the least politic.
I would not expect them to have anything good to contribute to any discussion but especially the discussion of transgendered people. They do, after all, need to move papers and reason ands thoughtful discourse doesn't seem to many papers.
Wouldn't wrap it around a fish.

Actually he has no training in ethics and was educated in music. My dregree is a specialized philosophy degree and so I once picked up his book about The Good The Bad and The Difference which was a tragedy from an ethical standpoint.

Frankly, I find the entire article questionable. I am somewhat familiar with the Orthodox Jewish community and I strongly doubt that any member of the orthodox community would be presenting a question of an ethical nature a none-rabbinic, outsider. It would furthermore be a serious breach of Jewish law; an act of “lashon hara”, for the writer “Name Withheld, N.Y.”, to disseminate such information.* It may be that Mr. Cohen was taken in by the writer and that the letter was not concocted by a script writer either way, the highly ethical New York Times, the paper which only publishes news which is fit to print now has chosen to pass off a comedy writer as an ethicist does not speak well of The Times or the state of the news industry. By giving Mr. Cohen an aura of erudition and the imprimatur of a respected news outlet, The Times is doing not only a disserves to its readers but is reinforcing uninformed concepts and promoting dangerous stereotypes.
*Leviticus 19:16 ~ Do not go about as a talebearer among your people.

Why in the world would I ever want to disclose anything important to a man until we have had sex? I mean dear heavens, my mother taught me about men and their blood flow long ago.

Okay, here's the basic perspective from someone that has perspective. The concept wouldn't have legitimately come from someone in the orthodox Jewish community. 1) As stated above, someone from "g-d's chosen people" isn't going to ask some schmuck comedian for deep life lessons on morality. 2) While I'm not orthodox, I'm of Jewish descent myself. The prospect of forcing trans-persons to out themselves is the exact equivalent of the historical act of requiring Jews to wear the Star of David on their chests when a certain dictator was initiating racial cleansing throughout Europe. A Jew would see this proposal of tagged outing for what it is, a biggoted plot to find a way to identify those you want to discriminate against or bring harm to. The medical community has already established that the trans and intersex lines are blurred by over three hundred identified medical circumstances or conditions. Neurological gender is the person, the person is who you love and have the relationship with. Physical pleasure comes from the physical act, and holds no requisite or recognition of whether or not the 16th chromosome pair has seven or eight branches. I wouldn't expect someone with Turner Syndrome or Klinefelter Syndrome to disclose that fact on a first date, and like being transgender these are simply medical classifications based on anomalies of the 16th chromosome pair. A genetic state that does not change the value of the person, the quality of the soul, or the worthiness to be loved.

My letter:

NAME WITHHELD's query and your reply are wrong in so many ways.

The two of you are discussing taking an action that can lead to physical violence and death for the transman, and you're enabling NAME WITHHELD by allowing her anonymity while telling her she has 'every right' to tell her friends that her date was born without a penis.

Overall, transgender people are 8 times as likely to be murdered than heterosexual, cisgender persons -- and the disparity soars to 17 times more likely for transgender persons of color.

Cisgender people feel entitled to out transgender persons, to decide what gender they really are based on the birth configuration of the transgender person's genitalia, and to deny the transgender person's sense of gender by referring to the transgender person by their as-identified-at-birth gender.

Indeed, the knowledge that someone is transgender is too juicy to keep to oneself. NAME WITHHELDs 'sharing' of this intimate detail with only one other close friend can lead to the entire community quickly learning about it by word-of-mouth.

I'm a transwoman. I'd love to live in a world where being transgender is accepted as an anomaly of human development, much as cleft palate or club foot are not thought of as a sign of moral failing on the part of the person born with a harelip or club foot. Reality is that I don't out myself every time I buy groceries or gas. And I don't out myself on a first date because there may not be a second date, and if I did out myself on that first date, there would be one more person who potentially could send that very personal information viral.

No, the time to out oneself is when you've had a chance to get to know and assess the other person, and you feel they're ready for the information, and will respect you by not sharing it with others, even if the relation doesn't move on to physical intimacy.

Sir, I recommend you attend a Transgender Day of Remembrance ceremony. Last year, the names of 119 transgender people murdered during the year solely for being transgender were read, a reminder of the dangers of merely being transgender. You should participate in the ceremony, read some names from the pulpit or podium, and light candles for the dead whose names you read. You should talk with the folks at the reception. I hope and pray you come to see them as people first, who must constantly navigate a mine field created by our society's attitudes towards gender.

If you provide a mailing address, I'll send you a DVD of our Transgender Day of Remembrance.

Sincerely;

"Hazumu Osaragi"

Ignored here is the basic question.....disclose what? If you are a TG with contrary genitals to how you present yourself to the world...maybe this is a valid issue. However, if you are a woman who was born with a neurological intersexed birth condition that placed your neurological sex at odds with your somatic sex and had that corrected then exactly what are you suppose to disclose? A private medical matter that was resolved? Screw that. Unless those taking the disclosed position are in turn willing and prepared to present a full and complete medical history of their own each and every time they go out on a date, notarized of course then this is beyond bigoted.
Female mind, female body, female life, what's to disclose?

Yet another demonstration of the problems involved in the deliberate confusion of transgenders with those born with a transsexed birth condition who correct it. There is no common ground and it comes at continued cost to those defined against their will into a third gender or sex category. That too is bigotry, pure and simple.

I doubt that Randy Cohen is qualified in speaking to the issue of coming forward or not for someone who is Transgender, it does however beg speaking another point. Should we who are Transgender attempt to live a "stealth life" or come forward in an attempt to dispel the all too common charge made by those in the Religious Right that we are morally bankrupt, sex crazed, or sex workers. Or the political right who may say that protecting our Rights as people is either not required or not cost effective to do. That there are just too few of us to warrant any consideration.

Frankly I have found it necessary to tell people even after several hours of being around them that I was Transgender. Some of these people had the opinion that Transgender people were social freaks which they thought generally existed only in cities in areas where other sex workers would be found. Certainly not being just "normal people", doing the things they do, having the same interests they do. It is the story of how many of us had no other choice but to make the journey from one sex presentation to the other which will give us the support and respect. If we all drop into a stealth life, we will be waiting a long time for the same rights as others enjoy.

As long as Bigots like the American Family Association, Focus on the Family, and other conservative or Religious organizations are providing the facts to many people, we will have an uphill fight in gaining the acceptance we need in order to get rights we have been denied for far too long. In the light of truth, lies disappear. As long as we as Transgender people surrender the high moral ground to the Bigots who claim to speak for God who created us all, including the Transgenders, we will remain less than others in law and peoples minds.

It is hard once you know someone personally to think of that person as "those people" somehow different, strange, defective or less human in some way. We will not gain rights by hiding from everyone. It may take another forty or fifty years to gain those rights if we intend to wait until every family has a Transgender person within it. Only by engaging people when we can do so will we hope to gain the "grass roots" support for the cause of equal rights for Transgender from a whisper to a roar that will not be ignored.

So while I disagree with the reasons it appears Mr. Cohen sights for the reason of a Transgender person in coming forward, I do think far more of us must grow a backbone and spread the word of truth about us. To fight the lies long used to keep us in the shadows so that we can proudly stand before someone without reservation and state we are Transgender.