Don Davis

After Bathtub Accident, O'Donnell Changes Position

Filed By Don Davis | October 05, 2010 2:30 PM | comments

Filed in: Politics
Tags: comedy, Delaware, humorous blog post, O'Donnell, Politics '10, Satire, Senate, Snark, U.S. Elections

Dover, Delaware (FNS)--Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell odonnell2-748456.jpgshocked the crowd at a Delaware political breakfast meeting when she announced that she has changed her thinking about masturbation following a weekend bathtub "incident." Spike Fromula, O'Donnell's press secretary, explained to the press gaggle today that O'Donnell now realizes that it is possible to "masturbate without lust in your heart" after Saturday night's revelatory event, which Fromula described as a "slip and fall episode." "It wasn't exactly 'The Passion of the Showerhead'" said Fromula, in a reference to her former work as a marketing consultant to the Mel Gibson movie of a similar name, "but there is no doubt that her thinking on the issue has evolved."
O'Donnell's new position, said to be one of several she assumed during Saturday's "Eureka Moment," is that a situation such as hers in now acceptable: individuals who are either showering or bathing while thinking about policy issues or Scripture, who accidentally either drop their soap or spill a certain quantity of shampoo on the "floor" of their bathing area, can accidentally masturbate, and as long as they continue to think about either Scripture or policy issues while that happens, no sin has occurred. This is obviously a completely different perspective on this issue than what has been reported in the past; O'Donnell is famous for her claim that is impossible to masturbate without lust in one's heart, therefore, it's a practice that's forbidden by Scripture. Efforts to reach O'Donnell herself for clarification on the issue have been stymied by the fact that she has either taken up residence in her bathroom or become suddenly far more involved in policy analysis, depending on which version of the story is to be believed; Fromula, when asked about the sudden change in her schedule, had no comment to offer. A number of observers have questioned whether her appearance in a campaign ad directly denying that she's a witch at the same time this announcement was made is related to fears that she may have again resumed the practice, but Fromula was anxious to deny that Ms. O'Donnell is now spending her evenings with steaming cauldrons of any sort. It is currently unknown exactly how many other Americans who subscribe to O'Donnell's previous views on this issue might also be open to a reconsideration of the matter, but there is the potential for economic stimulus if the demand for Jacuzzi tubs were to increase, just to give one example. Another new potential business: applying new handrails and "extra-slip" coatings to currently installed bathtubs. "The important thing to remember," Fromula said, "is that now you know when Christine O'Donnell says 'When I go to Washington I'll do what you do', she's being more truthful than ever...and that's the kind of magic American politics needs."

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"Bathtub accident?" "Passion of the Showerhead?" I don't even want to know...

we're all a bit scared...but even more scary: the steaming cauldron...

What I find more amazing than her epiphany that someone might accidentally get aroused without lustful content is the fact she is really being talked about as a viable candidate!

in fairness, she's down 15 to a guy no one ever heard of...and she's run so many times before that she has tons of name recognition...but in delaware, that seems to be hurting her as much as helping.

from what i can see, the folks who take her the most seriously are outside of delaware--and you have to wonder of someone like romney or gingrich or huckabee sees her as a potential "sarah lite" vp in '12.

I do hope this brings her political career to a climax.

as opposed to the alternative: several climaxes, one right after the other, followed by tons of new campaign debt, a bunch of leftover signs, and a new interest inn smoking.

friday jones | October 5, 2010 7:31 PM

Gives the terms "Second Coming" and "Rapture" a completely different context.

any time anyone mentions rapture i find myself with the k-klassic remix version of "rapture" stuck in my head...and that's a good thing.

too bad o'donnell probably can't find the same kind of fun in this kind of "normal" stuff...but, you know, that's what self-imposed repression'll do to ya...

“The important thing to remember,” Fromula said, “is that now you know when Christine O’Donnell says ‘When I go to Washington I’ll do what you do’, she’s being more truthful than ever…and that’s the kind of magic American politics needs.”

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

what can i say?

sometimes you don't have to write so much as just harvest what magically appears in the night; this time, that's what happened.

Someone please get her a new pair of shoulder pads, she's worn out the old ones already.

in 1982, which is where she currently appears to be living, there are tons of shoulder pads, and i have no idea why she doesn't get a fresh three pair to pile up under those jackets.

Accident? Like she accidentally slipped and masturbated in the tub? Ooops. My hand just "accidentally" went there, and stayed there for the next few minutes, however long it takes for CO'D to be aroused? Accident is when you stub your toe, or drop something. Is she actually blaming the tub spigots for her epiphany? For you to get aroused by physical contact with the tub chromeware is just plain stupid, not to mention physically impossible. Give me a break!

reggie...you might not know that this was satire, so i better tell you it was now.

See what the American public have to contend with!
What the h3ll happened to people's brains? Have they all turned to mush!