Don Davis

Halliburton Gets $2 Billion Contract For Florida "Cardboard Condos"

Filed By Don Davis | October 18, 2010 8:30 AM | comments

Filed in: Politics
Tags: comedy, Congress, election 2010, humorous blog post, politics, Republicans, Satire, Snark, Social Security

Miami, Florida, September 13, 2018 (FNS)--Facing pressure from voters to "do something" following the disaster caused by cardboardbox.jpgthe privatization of Social Security, the White House today announced that the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) is awarding a $2 billion contract to the Halliburton Company for the purchase of 22,000 "cardboard condos" that will be installed in public parks around the Miami area in an effort to alleviate the problem of homelessness among the impoverished elderly. "Having homeless senior citizens drag their appliance boxes all over the city reduces the community's aesthetic appeal and leads to complaints," said Halliburton spokesman Tendei Furlough. "The new modular design, combined with our ability to print attractive images on the outside of the boxes, guarantees both increased protection from winter weather and fewer complaints from affected neighborhoods." FEMA's Director of Emergency Housing Resources Spike Fromula agreed: "We thought we had a real problem with homelessness in a number of our major cities after the Social Security safety net collapsed. But now, we think we have a way to wrap the problem up in a neat little package."
Nearly two years in development, the new product, officially known as the Emergency Living Device, Experimental, Regular Length Yard (ELDERLY), is a response to the 2014 privatization of the Social Security program and the 2016 stock market collapse that occurred after the secret effort to sell "futures" in Republican Party policies and programs came to light, creating a national scandal which is still having repercussions across the United States. These two events led to almost 18 million of the nearly 60 million elderly Americans now on Social Security losing all their future retirement income; almost 3 million of that 18 million now live in the Miami area, creating a massive homelessness problem that has overwhelmed every community in South Florida. At today's press event, Halliburton displayed a "block" of the ELDERLY boxes, which combine various pastel colors in a manner that makes them entirely compatible with the Miami "style," and it was easy to see how effective the design will be: "The boxes open on both ends to make them comfortable in the summer," Furlough told me, "and the people who occupy the boxes in the middle will be very comfortable in the winter as well, thanks to the insulation provided by the boxes on the ends of the rows." The Social Security Administration plans to distribute "ELDERLY vouchers" throughout South Florida over the next several months in order to provide an organized path to "home ownership" for some of those who lost all they owned in the market collapse; some have suggested that this may be the only asset most of the newly-destitute 18 million Social Security account holders will ever recover. FEMA's Fromula was enthusiastic about the new partnership: "Once again we've shown, that, given a problem, the free market can provide a solution, and we are grateful to Halliburton for stepping up with ELDERLY technology, and for doing it at the very affordable contract price of under $9500 per unit, including delivery, setup, and assembly. Barring cost overruns, we expect to be able to provide a shelter for every homeless person in Florida for about $3 trillion dollars, assuming that sufficient taxpayer funding can be provided."
AUTHOR'S NOTE: The fine folks at the Campaign for America's Future are thinking about what would happen if Social Security were to be privatized because it's something a lot of Republicans are thinking about right now, and it's something you better be thinking about, too.

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Rick Sutton | October 18, 2010 8:50 AM

Ok, I've re-checked the calendar. It's not April Fool's Day. You're kidding, right? Two bil for attractice boxes? Halliburton?

Hell I'll do it for half that.

Our government never ceases to amaze. Bush and Cheney ought to be wearing stripes, right beside the Halliburton big-wigs, for raping our treasury and engaging in a ridiculous testosterone-driven war that was tailor-made for big biz only. Yet Halliburton gets two bil for boxes?

How about the government buying up some abandoend commercial buildings and remaking them into habitable shelters for homeless folks? Or building realistic housing projects that are safe and energy-efficient?

for reasons i can't explain, when a story is composed for the site, the authors provide "tags" that would have given you a clue about this, but the tags are not visible to readers when the stories are published.

in this case, the first four tags were "comedy, humor, satire, snark".

some sites on which i post also don't use tags; i usually try to add a comment that will make things clear.

sorry about the confusion, and i'll try to make sure that doesn't happen in the future.

The tags are in the middle column at the top. :)

i get it now...but if you'll forgive me for saying so, it's easy to see how the placement of tags can get a bit "lost", as it's kind of off to the side of the actual story...but then again, you've met me, and it's not like i'm the brightest light in a dark room or anything, if you know what i mean.

This is a huge mistake. We shouldn't provide government money for this. That's more of the nanny-state. We should leave this to the market. True, there are few jobs, due to outsourcing and the market bust, but that is simply an incentive for those people to get their tails moving and being willing to work harder for less. Then they will be able to afford these low-cost housing solutions. True, a few million people will live in misery and hunger. But is that my problem? As long as my taxes don't go up, and there's a plentiful police force, we can keep these hooligans at bay. Also, this would be an excellent use of our flood zone areas where other housing can't go. I'm sure some whining liberals will object, but you have to be cruel to be kind.

i appreciated the big-time sense of humor that must have been required to write this comment, and i hope the rest of you did as well.

Yeah this is a joke.

But the 'cardboard emergency shelter' is an actuall fact of reality.

not only is the emergency cardboard shelter a fact of reality...it's an entire industry, and for those interested you can see three completely different concepts of cardboard shelters that are currently in use here, here, and here.

Don, is this the same story where I heard that some liberals wanted the government to require that the cardboard condo's be made out of recycled/recycleable materials, but Halliburton wanted an extra $2000/unit to make them recycleable?

And that memo that was leaked, that many people found so offensive, supposedly authored by a Halliburton executive, saying, "If the lefties want recycling, they should go out and recycle DVD's of the movie Soylent Green!"

Don, what do you think he meant by that? Is he an old sci-fi movie buff? What's all the stink about?

i was told that halliburton had a secret plan to take over the distribution of media in war zones, and that, one at a time, they're trying to get soldiers and others "in-theater" to destroy all their dvds; the better for halliburton to step in and offer a streaming service for lots of potential profit.

yeahhh...that's the ticket...

By my calculation that amounts to around $91,000.00 per condo. I am not sure Halliburton would be willing to do it for such a low price per unit! Therefore this story must be fiction.

you are actually only the second person to have caught my math error, daddycat at left in alabama being the first.

good on you!

gregorybrown | October 19, 2010 10:33 AM

I'm sure that Halliburton should receive some tax breaks to compensate for the low unit costs. And what about the --what shall we call it--"secondary market"?--for units that become vacant when an occupant dies, or the unit is damaged in a storm?

here's another element to add to the calculation: sweat equity.

It's all fun and games until this actually happens. And considering the unprecedented money big business is pumping into politics and how they're straight-up lying to people about social security, etc., maybe people will be begging to have their social security checks taken away from them in a few years. It's not like there's anyone on the other side who can compete.

just to take on the issue of money: i've seen money come back to bite candidates and causes in the behind over the years...but i've never seen this level of willingness on the part of the voter to be hustled--even compared to '04, when you only had one bush term to judge by.

Wendell Cochran | October 19, 2010 11:43 AM

Hey, don't knock this inovative solution. Manufacturing of the condos will create factory jobs, maintenance will require a cadre of entry level workers, and, in the event that the elderly starve or die from weather related cause, condos can be used cost effectively as coffins. A brilliant plan. Definitely a win-win solution. Thank you Halliburton. I'm investing in your stock today.

best to follow the "cramer rule": after a stock gets this kind of buzz, wait a few days for the bump to settle--then buy in...incrementally, of course.