Michael Hamar

A Parent's Wonderful Gift to A Gay Son

Filed By Michael Hamar | January 07, 2011 11:30 AM | comments

Filed in: Living
Tags: family acceptance, LGBT homeless, loss of a loved one, parents of gays, sadness

Contributor Note: This post is very personal, but looks at an important issue: parental acceptance of LGBT children.

Mom-and-Kitty.jpgMy mother, Marion Hibben Phelps Hamar (pictured above at right with my late sister many years back) passed away on January 5, 2011. She was a great lady with a dynamic life that began in Puerto Castilla, Honduras, where she was born in 1927. She did so many wonderful things for me and my siblings over the years be it being there to comfort us over childhood injuries, teaching us how to canoe, snow ski and water ski, or instilling in us a love of reading and giving us the example of a loving and kind heart.

For me, however, she - and my late dad - gave me an even greater gift: they accepted me without hesitation when I came out to them in mid-life. While so-called "friends" and law partners deserted me (I was forced out of a law firm because I was gay), my mom and my dad never wavered.

Would that more parents of LGBT youths and adults followed that example. My dad did not live to meet my partner Barry, by my mother loved him - as he came to love her.

With constant news articles about homeless LGBT youth making up a disproportionate number of homeless youth - one 365gay.com story estimates 20-40% even though LGBT youth make up only 5-10% of the population - parental acceptance is critical. In many cases these youths are homeless because their parents threw them out of the house for being gay, with the Bible typically cited for justification. As a parent of three children myself, I just do not comprehend such a horrific behavior. Again, my mom set the example that all true loving parents should follow. I will be thankful to my mom for the rest of my life for this additional great gift she gave to me.

As for parents who disown their LGBT children (and, again, I say this as a parent myself), they need to take a good look in the mirror at themselves and ask themselves WTF is wrong with them? That's right with them, not their gay child. And if they use religion as an excuse, then they need to find themselves a new church/faith group. God, Christ, Allah, or whatever name you might use, would not want a betrayal of one's own children. This religious based bigotry and child abuse needs to end.


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Tony Soprano | January 7, 2011 6:23 PM

Michael -

You wrote:
> For me, she and my late dad ... accepted me without hesitation when I came out to them ... law partners deserted me (I was forced out of a law firm because I was gay), my mom and my dad never wavered.

My condolences on the loss of your mother. My sympathies on the loss of your job ("Legalistas").

Thank you for sharing your private story and your admonitions with us. Tony.

Robert Ganshorn Robert Ganshorn | January 7, 2011 8:04 PM

Michael,

A wonderful tribute and story. I am so happy for you that you were gifted with such a great source of inspiration. Celebrate her wonderful life with gratitude and application of her fine example.

People question my usual assertion that you can count true friends in a lifetime on your hands. The loss of your law partners and "friends" was their loss, not yours.

over a decade ago my mother disowned me and she has never spoken to me and has even walked by me in the street,i have not harmed anyone ,i have not been in trouble with the law ,i was born gay,she cannot accept this,my father passed away and i miss him terribly ,i live in a small town and need her really, i have tried to write but eventually i gave up,i would say to all parents who disown their children -please love them without prejudice,we are your flesh and blood,

You are a lucky man to have been gifted with parents like these. I am deeply sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing this.

I'm very sorry for your loss, Michael. Losing a mother is a deep wound.


"The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.” Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh

My deepest condolences to you and your family in the loss of your mother.

Thank you each of you for your condolences and kind words. It is comforting to me.

Paul, I offer you my sincere sympathy that your mother has not been able to accept you for who God made you to be. As a parent myself, I simply cannot even begin understand that way of thingking. Just remember - you did nothing wrong.

The "New Testament"documents that Jesus supposedly said that he wasn't a peace-maker but rather a man who separates family members, children from parents, etc. Even though this supposed statement contradicts other statements that say Jesus is the "prince of peace," evilgelical-fundamentalisticals prefer that Jesus destroys families so that they have justification for throwing their children out onto the streets. I suppose it could get a lot worse. I just read about the christian in South Carolina who murdered a "devil dog" for chewing on a holy bible.