We've ran a contest this week asking Projectors to submit their craziest stories of what they've done for love. The five best stories have won a copy of I Love You Phillip Morris on DVD. Here are the winning stories:
First Place: Jimbo
Years ago I was dating a very closeted guy who was an accountant for a national consortium of Protestant churches. He lived two hours away from me. Under my tutelage, he came to enjoy playing with a dildo. One night he called me in a panic because the dildo had disappeared up his butt and he couldn't get it out. It was one of those hard plastic vibrating dildos. I drove 130 miles to help him get it out. I arrived about 1:30 am only to be informed that his elderly mother was in town for a visit and asleep in another bedroom so we had to be 'very quiet'. I tried for about 2 hours to get that dildo out of him. I had a can of Crisco, several lubes and a couple bottles of lotion. I used my fingers, pliers, spaghetti tongs, and about half the implements in his utility drawer - but it would not budge! And yes, occasionally in all my manipulating, the dildo started vibrating, though I was easily able to turn it off. Understandably, he was getting very sore, inflamed, swollen and panicky. I told him (whispering, of course) that we needed to go to the emergency room and he refused, feeling certain that he would be exposed and fired when his employer found out the the cause of his E.R. visit. Finally, I told him he could use my name, I.D., and medical insurance card (FRAUD!). He at last agreed, and we arrived at the E.R. about 4 am.. He sat side-saddle on the car seat, putting most his weight one butt cheek. Once there, the doctor tried to extract it for only a few minutes before announcing that he would need surgery to remove it. My boyfriend freaked (!), put on his clothes and fled out of the emergency room. He thanked me profusely and insisted that I go home as he had a very important business meeting to attend that morning. He decided he would wait it out and 'pray about it'. It was about 8 am when I finally got home. Well, apparently God listened because about 8 hrs later he called to tell me that he had passed the dildo during a very painful bowel movement. Weeks later I got a bill from the hospital for a $50 co-pay, which he happily re-imbursed me for. Due to the long distance, we eventually drifted apart as time went on, but not before he had secured for himself a softer dildo that had a rope pull extending from the bottom of it :) This all happened about 10 yrs ago and I've gotten a lot of mileage out of that story, telling and re-telling it at most every cocktail party or gay gathering I show up to.
The other four are after the jump.