My sex reassignment surgery is two months away, and as you might expect, I have a lot of things on my mind. Most of them I'm trying not to think about: complications, pain, infection, how much sensation I'll have, my insurance pulling a 180 and deciding not to reimburse me....
There is one aspect of this that positively tickles my brain, however. Essentially, I'm going to be a virgin again. I get another shot at my first time.
How many of us wouldn't want this opportunity? According to a scientific poll, 87 percent of people say their first time was "an awkward clusterfuck." OK, I just made that up, but if you had great sex when you lost your virginity I'm pretty confident you're in the minority.
So, the question is: What do I do?
Being queer as a three dollar bill and having already formed the beast with two backs plenty of times in the past, I don't think any religious folks will advocate I "save myself" for marriage. That option seems woefully naïve to me anyway. After all, I might end up never getting married; and I certainly didn't trudge through all the shit of changing genders to abstain from enjoying the fruit of my labors. Those purity rings sure are pretty, though.
At the other extreme, the idea of not valuing the second chance seems callous and ungrateful. This will be a major event in my life, one that changes my future. Marking it with a drunken one-night stand with someone whose name I barely remember the next day... that rubs me the wrong way. Drunken one-night stands do have their time and place, but this isn't one of them.
If I was even more callous (or an enterprising businesswoman) I could do what this woman did and auction my revirginity off to the highest bidder. I probably wouldn't get as much as she did, but the supply and demand statistics for transwomen are very much in my favor. Lots of guys love us, but there aren't many of us to go around. Throw "young" and "passable" into the equation, and it's enough to make me think for a minute. I won't be going this route, but think about if you had the option. A few hours work and no more student loans, mortgage, or car payments. Follow it up with a vacation, a shopping spree and some smart investments. Trading a little discomfort for that kind of return will get anybody thinking.
For all the thought I've given this, I haven't come to a concrete decision. Like most other things in my life, I'm in a gray area. Ideally, I'd like my first time post-surgery to be with someone I love, but who knows how long it could take to fall in love? Do I want to roll the dice on possibly waiting for years and years? I'm leaning toward "no" on that. I'd at least like it to be someone I have a connection with, someone I care about. Of course, I'd like those things in a sex partner right now, pre-surgery; so maybe things aren't changing as much as I think. All I know for certain is I'd like my first time to be more enjoyable and fulfilling the second time around.