Among the security guards at Target Field in Minneapolis, one stands out for his overriding moral concerns. The fellow is a little tin Moses, and the stadium is his Mount Sinai. With mustard and relish.
Taylor Campione and Kelsi Culpepper encountered him when they decided to take in a Minnesota Twins game on May 27. According to City Pages, the young women arrived a little late to the game, and Culpepper headed for the restroom, first giving her girlfriend a quick peck. A middle-aged security guard immediately walked toward Campione, shaking his head.
"I saw you kissing that girl, you can't do that," he said.
"I can kiss whoever I want to," she retorted, showing quicker reflexes than most infielders.
"Well, we don't play grab ass here," said the guard. If the women shared only a quick kiss as they claim, this man's sense of anatomy leaves something to be desired. He must think catchers squat on their ears.
Campione told Culpepper what had transpired, and Culpepper confronted the guard, saying, "I don't understand what's wrong with kissing my girlfriend."
After some arguing, the security guard declared, "Well here in the stadium, we adhere to the 10 Commandments."
That one would've left me speechless. I wouldn't have known whether to laugh, shriek or look around for Charlton Heston.
What I do know is there is no commandment about kissing, same-sex or otherwise. So which commandments was the man talking about? Which ones do they adhere to at Target Field? I suspect these are the Target 10 Commandments:
1. You shall have no other team but the Twins. Even if they're in the cellar and playing like Muppets.
2. You shall have no other idols beyond Joe Mauer. You shall not bow down to Alex Rodriguez, Joey Votto or Big Papi, nor clothe yourself in their T-shirts or jerseys.
3. You shall not swear. At least not out loud. If the Twins hit into five double plays in one game, cursing under your breath is acceptable.
4. You shall keep the Sabbath day holy by attending a Sunday game and praying like crazy for a win.
5. You shall honor your father and mother by bringing them to the ballpark. Contact a service representative for more information on the special "Honor Your Parents, Pay for Their Tickets" package.
6. You shall not murder. Even if the guy behind you spills his Landshark Lager and soft shell tacos on you during the seventh-inning stretch.
7. You shall not be gay and commit a display of affection. Try a National League park for that.
8. You shall not steal. But the team damn well better.
9. You shall not lie about being old enough to drink. If you attempt to deceive, Twins mascot T.C. Bear will stone you with peanuts and cheese curds.
10. You shall not covet your neighbor's ass, your wife's ass or anybody's ass, for grab ass is not played at Target Field. However, teammates shall whack the ass of any player who hits a grand slam.
These must be the commandments the security guard was thinking of when he scolded the lesbians. If he had carried two laminated stone tablets in his wallet to whip out on such occasions, things might've gone easier.
Campione and Culpepper are filing a complaint with the Minnesota Department of Human Rights. It's unknown whether the guard is filing a complaint with God.
The man has received a verbal and written reprimand for his "unacceptable" behavior, said a Twins spokesman. He's still on the job, so anyone he catches misbehaving at Target Field will be subject to ejection and locusts.