Bil Browning

Question of the Day: Crucifixion Style

Filed By Bil Browning | July 10, 2011 2:30 PM | comments

Filed in: Entertainment
Tags: crucifixion, Jeebus, Jesus, lethal injections

A simple question for the day. Consider this an open thread.

If Jeebus were killed today, would the authorities use an electric chair or lethal injection?


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Isn't there a moratorium on executions until the type of lethal injection is decided? Is a lethal drug now available that will put death-sentenced-humans into the Big Sleep in a gentle and mild-manner where there'll be no "unusual punishment?" Whenever such a drug becomes available The King of Kings would be taken into The Netherland via a beautiful, wonderful, pain-free, and really terrific injection. (We must eliminate the word "lethal" because it sounds too traumatic.)

Since they would want him to die by the most gruesome, graphic, painful death imaginable (a la Mel Gibson's Passion of Christ), I think it would be by forcing him to watch endless loops of Maggie Gallagher (or even Bill Donahue of the Catholic League) talking about the evils of same-sex marriage. That would be torture enough for any right thinking person.

It would depend if the person who killed him were charged with a hate crime or not. I would think Jeebus would be considered transgender being a man in a dress and all. Most likely there would be a cover up and the murderers would escape or we'd have to witness a panic defense. I can hear it now but I didn't know she was a man with a beard I only saw that cute butt from behind.

If Jeebus were killed today, it would probably be by one of the ways that sickos kill gay people anyhow. We can hope that it would not be the way that Mathew Sheppard was murdered.

Leigh Anne | July 10, 2011 5:55 PM

Poor nutrition and poor medical care seem to be the way to cut the deficit and kill the morally inferior (i.e. poor) at the same time these days.

Of course, as a carpenter who ate a modest diet, mostly bread and fish, Jesus would also be expected to have "good" veins, so lethal injection would be an option. But that doesn't help with the deficit while sparing the rich any pain.

It depends quite a bit on exactly where he were to appear. There are some civilized jurisdictions where there is no longer a death penalty. Part of the problem is that in American jurisdictions, the death penalty is not imposed for inciting a riot at a religious institution, so let's assume that the riot that was incited resulted in the death of innocent bystanders. (In Iran, it might be stoning, though!)

Here is the scenario.

It's in Houston, Texas, and it's Easter. A splinter sect preacher visitng from Waco is outraged when visiting a local megachurch, to find what he called idolatrous images being sold in the church vestibule. He and a dozen of his followers muscle in, overturn the tables, and tart a riot, causing a stampede in the crowded church - two little girls are crushed in the melee.

Jeebus Koresh is taken into custody by the Harris County sheriff's department after a brief struggle in which one of the fanatic's followers nearly rips an ear off one of the arresting officers. He was apparently nabbed on a tip from a remorseful follower which led them to the Mount Olivet trailer park on the road to Galveston.

Harris County prosecutors being the most experienced in the nation at getting death penalty convictions, rush to trial on the murder charge. The court appointed defense tries to interpose an insanity defense, but the defendant refuses to cooperate.

Because of the heinous nature of the crime, Governor Perry signs an immediate execution order after the defendant fires his lawyer and waives any appeals.

Having run out of the usual lethal injection drug, the Harris County executioner goes ahead and performs the execution using a drug commonly used to put down pet animals.

Afterward there is a mixup at the morgue, and the body is misplaced.

Thirty years later, a growing Koreshian sect starts putting out books claiming that Jeebus Koresh had performed miracles, and that his body hadn't been misplaced, that he actually rose from the dead.

That would be a scenario involving an actual execution after a trial. In Waco, the actual *David* Koresh and many of his followers were killed by the FBI.

And we have a winner. Damn good scenario, Joann.

Probably by hanging as the only verses allowing his death to be applied as a good for humanity, calls for him to be hanged in some form from a tree.

Bill Perdue Bill Perdue | July 12, 2011 3:51 AM

Why would anyone bother?