Bil Browning

WTF?! God Took My Penis Bone?

Filed By Bil Browning | August 22, 2011 11:00 AM | comments

Filed in: Living
Tags: Adam and Eve, penis bone, remove a rib

Wait. What?!? God took my penis bone? According to Discover magazine, he did and they're a reputable science source, right?!?

Apparently most mammals - dogs, mice, monkeys, you name it - have a baculum (a penis bone). While human males rely on hydraulics to keep adam-and-eve.jpgour soldiers at attention, the baculum keeps things hard for other critters. So why are we different? Discover thinks the answer may be found in the Bible and, of course, it's a woman's fault.

One of the creation stories in Genesis may be an explanatory myth wherein the Bible attempts to find a cause for why human males lack this particular bone. Our opinion is that Adam did not lose a rib in the creation of Eve. Any ancient Israelite (or for that matter, any American child) would be expected to know that there is an equal (and even) number of ribs in both men and women. Moreover, ribs lack any intrinsic generative capacity. We think it is far more probable that it was Adam's baculum that was removed in order to make Eve.

...The Hebrew noun translated as "rib," tzela (tzade, lamed, ayin), can indeed mean a costal rib. ...the word could [also] be used to indicate a structural support beam. Interestingly, Biblical Hebrew, unlike later rabbinic Hebrew, had no technical term for the penis and referred to it through many circumlocutions.
...
In addition, Genesis 2:21 contains another etiological detail: "The Lord God closed up the flesh." This detail would explain the peculiar visible sign on the penis and scrotum of human males--the raphé. ...The origin of this seam on the external genitalia was "explained" by the story of the closing of Adam's flesh. Again, the wound associated with the generation of Eve is connected to Adam's penis and not his rib.

And, obviously, now we know why women are able to lead men around by their dicks. Or so science tell us.

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I've always wondered about this. Now I know! (What a great metaphor!)

I'm not quite sure that I'd label that theory as "science"...

I always knew the feminine is the ultimate phallic symbol! I knew it! It makes so little sense that it makes entire sense! :D

If you find the loss of a penis bone disappointing, brace yourself: A small insect called the water boatman is able to sing with its penis.

@Sas: Well, I've know plenty of men willing to sing for one -- on a man, that is.

I recall a TV skit from many years ago (SNL maybe?) where a woman appeared and demonstrated her singing breast. When the interviewer asked her if this condition ran in her family, she replied, "No, but my dad had a yodeling penis!"

It's hard to believe the editors of Discovery thought of this as anything but a late April Fool Joke, as is holy writ in general. But I wasn't convinced by the article. It reads like a weak troll for comments.

um...ok, who's been placing articles from the Onion in to the Discovery Channel? And it sure don't sound like no science I ever heard of. Other wise the next thing you'll hear is how the flying speggitti monster gave us meat balls. :P

Blessed be the Pasta, the Sauce, and the Holy (garlic) Toast!

R'Amen

Emmet, that would be "meaty" balls - grammar, che', grammar.

Scotti B, Your quibble is with Gina9223, not me.

May you be touched by His Noodley Appendages and feast on His MEATY balls!

R'Amen!

Um... it's pretty clear to me that the article wasn't giving a scientific explanation for why we don't have a penis bone, but rather suggesting that the rib story in Genesis was the ancient Israelites' explanatory myth for that phenomenon.

I find this sort of thing fascinating: how mythologies developed the way they did, the various "just-so" stories of cultures. There's science in that article, but it's SOCIAL science - anthropology - not biology. Stop looking for creationism in everything and start reading more carefully.

Don Sherfick Don Sherfick | August 23, 2011 5:41 PM

Now I have it fugured out, Bil: All of those commenters who said they had a bone to pick the next time they saw you after the pulled post concerning the Indiana State Fairgrounds incident really didn't.....er you didn't, er.......