Bil Browning

COW: Antonio on F--king Your Friends

Filed By Bil Browning | October 16, 2011 7:00 PM | comments

Filed in: Living
Tags: best friend, fuck buddy, intimate relationships, lasting friendship, riends with benefits

For the comment of the week, we have Antonio Brunson on fucking your friends. From Anthony Carter's post, "How to Make Gay Male Relationships Significant":comment-of-week.jpg

I think this is a part of a larger issue of trying to maintain a friendship with someone when one wants something more and the other doesn't. It seems like there are several people who aren't interested in hanging out if I'm seeing someone, but suddenly find time to come around once I'm single again. One guy isn't flirty all, but once I asked what his 'type' was he pretty much described me. I'm not saying he's pining for me or anything, but he exhibits the same pattern I've seen elsewhere.

Things can get complicated when a friendly hugs and smiles become a little "too" friendly. People misread signals and feelings get hurt.

I've had good success with local gay groups on meetup.com. We get together and have a good time. The groups are usually planned around common interests, so I have a lot in common with the people who show up. Have these developed into lasting friendships? Too early to tell. But I do have people whose company I enjoy.

This isn't a problem exclusive to the LGBT sphere either. Do you have sex with your friends? Have you had sex in the past but developed a friendship? Or does it put someone off limits if you've been intimate (or public, I suppose!)?


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Rick Elliott | October 17, 2011 1:58 AM

I was told about a situation in which one guy had sex with both partners in a relationship. Afterwards they insisted it be kept secret, but kept coming around for more "secret" sex. In neither situation was he he the initiator nor flirty or anything like that. He said it ruined the friendship he'd had with the couple.

Mr. Carter's articles are the least interesting and insightful on this blog, mostly because they are full of broad and useless generalizations such as all those made in this original post and its comments. Gay men come in every variety, with all kinds of interests and motivations. All of human society is sexualized; ask a straight woman about her experiences trying to be friends with straight men. Or simply consume any advertisement or mass media in this country.

I believe people experiencing the phenomenon of sex getting in the way of friendship simply need to work on being better friends themselves, being more clear about the kind of relationships they're seeking, and dropping the judgment of the rest of society while they look at themselves and how they are causing their own repetitive situations.

I really don't get what Antonio's bug is with this. He's posted 3 such articles in the past month, all basically saying that gay men don't understand love, and only want to be friends with people to have sex with them. Then after having sex with them, don't want to talk to them any more. I commented on one post about sex and friends, and just recently on the article you linked. He's said about the same thing in all of his posts this month, about gay men and money and about confusing love and care. All four posts could really be lumped into one, since it's the same litany of whine, with slightly different viewpoints.

Sorry, but I think the real problem here isn't gay culture, but the scene he's stuck in, probably by his own choosing. I and my very wide circle of friends don't have any of these issues, at least not to the depth that Antonio is preaching them. I think the bigger issue here is that if you're having this issue with your "friends", maybe it's time to re-evaluate who you hang out with and who you call a friend. If you're counting bar-flies as friends, or people that are freshly out, or under 25, then I can see this being a problem. But then you're asking a lot from what most would call a passing acquaintance.

Most people in the communities I live in aren't struck with Puritanism. But then part of that is because I surround myself with people that are like me. I don't bite my lip when an acquaintance of someone I know acts poorly, or exhibits this type of behavior. It may seem daunting to some, but when you put things out there simply and openly, you often find others that feel the same. If not, at the very least you've cut ties with those that behave in a what you don't want to deal with anyway.