Guest Blogger

Momentary Pain at a Straight Friend's Wedding

Filed By Guest Blogger | October 14, 2011 9:00 AM | comments

Filed in: Living, Marriage Equality
Tags: Christian beliefs, marriage equality, Matt Adler, straight allies, straight wedding

Editors' Note: Guest blogger Matt Adler is a teacher and gay rights activist who has led rallies opposing "ex-gay" conventions and served as an openly gay delegate to the DNC in 2008, He also worked as a staffer on the Obama campaign as well as a former appointee in the Obama Administration.

wedding-dress.jpgSo there I was, standing at the altar swaying back and fourth anxiously as the clergy read the passage: "Christian marriage is between a man and a woman."

I felt a pang. To me it sounded like a George Bush advertisement straight out of his 2004 political campaign. I felt excluded.

But now was not the time and place to speak up. This was not my wedding, it was my close friend John's. In fact, it wasn't even the wedding, it was the rehearsal. And if John and his bride Maria, both devout Christians, had selected a pastor who wanted to read that line, who was I to stop them? After all, I knew how John felt about gay people- he loved us! He is one of my closest friends and I knew that one day when I get married he'd be just as thrilled to be a groomsman as I was for him.

So I let myself feel the momentary pain, and moved on.

The next day, I woke up early, shaved, showered, put on my suit, and prepared myself for my role: the ringbearer. I was intently focused on my one goal: not to lose the ring. My nervousness was mixed with joy for my dear friend as we approached the church. I can barely remember the details, though it happened just a few short days ago. All I can envision is a swirl of dresses and suits and photoshoots galore.

We walked down the aisle, smiles beaming from side to side. I proudly stepped up to the altar and readied myself for the 45 minutes of standing I was about to do. And of course, the passing of the rings to the pastor. As the service began, I would continue to fidget about to make sure I had the rings, checking every minute or two to make sure they hadn't gone anywhere.

Then, as I was halfway between dazed and confused, the pastor's voice boomed: "Christian marriage is between two people who..." and my ears perked up. I immediately looked at John but couldn't catch his eye, but I found Maria's. She winked. I smiled and winked back. I couldn't believe it; I instantly relaxed. As I confirmed later that evening, Maria had talked to the pastor about changing the words. I thanked her profusely. I told her as far as I'm concerned she's got the gay vote. She laughed. We hugged and said our goodbyes and I wished the new couple health and happiness as they started their new journey together.

I've come to appreciate several things from this event. One is the courage and sensitivity shown by Maria in talking the pastor into changing his words at the ceremony. Someone who barely knows me was considerate enough to think of how I might feel hearing such exclusionary language. And for the act of speaking up when I could not, I will always be grateful to her. The second thing I realized is the importance of being out of the closet. I was the only out gay person at this wedding. If it hadn't been for the simple fact of my presence, this issue may not have even come up. Shoot, my friend John didn't even notice the problematic passage! And not out of maliciousness in the least. Straight people often don't think about the language they use (for example, the use of the word "gay" to mean "bad", "stupid", "unfair", etc.), or how it could hurt. Gay people's mere presence can effect a change in the way straight people talk and act towards gays and towards each other.

So whenever you despair of our dysfunctional political system, or that gay marriage or workplace protections are not a reality. Whenever you get depressed reading about the latest tea party antics or homophobic religious leader sleeping with gay prostitutes. Whenever you see a judge, a state, a voter, try to take away equal protection under the law. Think of my story. No, a word change at a devout Christian wedding will not change these unfortunate problems that we must fight to fix. Indeed, after all this, I don't even know Maria's personal opinion on these matters. But what I do know is this: that if we keep on being true to ourselves, if we have straight allies who are sensitive and supportive of our cause, we will ultimately win this struggle. Because in the end, we are changing American culture for the better. To be a more inclusive, caring society. And just as I experienced a momentary pain which ended up becoming a long term gain, I hope that so too may we see the all-too-often dashed hopes and dreams of our country's GLBT community realized in the years to come.

While the story is real, the names have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals involved.

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Hopefully, the same strategy will be employed to stop gays from using "tranny" as a pejorative for everything, too.

A similar thing happened at my friend's wedding, too. It turns out that both he and his wife were far more deeply Christian than I or any of our friends in attendance knew. The bride's side of the family were all conservative Christians from Texas, too. So when the priest rattled off about how marriage is decided by God and not man, I just rolled my eyes.

My friends aren't conservatives in the least, and they're both fervently pro-LGBT, so it was weird to see their lives intersected with such heavy handed conservative Christianity. But you just have to suck it up...

Hmmm, my hope is that no one has to "suck it up." I would have rolled my eyes, too--and, I do--more often than I should need to :-) Your story makes me wonder how the couple selected their officiant. It is really important for every couple to seek an officiant that they are compatible with and who will honor their desires--it is their wedding after all. There are wedding websites, such as WeddingWire, where couples can search for officiants who are same-sex friendly.

My partners nephew got married this summer and I too found myself going "what?" when that line was read during the ceremony.
-Jeremy

My pastor partner who has performed hundreds of marriages in his 30+ years as a minister said that is not part of the standard litany. He has been a Methodist, and a Baptist, and a Lutheran.
It seems to be any pastor would reasonably honor a request to not use that phrase.
Thank you for the inspiring story.

I am a United Church of Christ wedding officiant in the Des Moines, IA, area. I'm sorry that same-sex folks have to endure this insensitivity, especially at one of the most important events in their lives. You shouldn't even need to ask the officiant not to use the phrase. They should know better!

It's nice to know that there is clergy out there who are sensitive to the realities of our society. I thank you, also, for a refreshing and inspiring story.