Leslie Robinson

Enquiring About Chaz

Filed By Leslie Robinson | November 08, 2011 10:00 AM | comments

Filed in: Media
Tags: Chaz Bono, Cher, National Enquirer, occult, Sonny Bono, tabloids, transphobia

enquirer-bono.jpegThe National Enquirer claims in a Nov. 14 cover story that Chaz Bono will die within four years due to his gender transition. The corpse-to-be is perturbed. His lawyer sent a cease and desist letter to the tabloid, accusing it of defamation and demanding a printed retraction and apology.

According to the lawyer, the story asserts that "obesity, testosterone supplements, and high suicide rates among transgender people all increase Chaz's risk of an early death."

As everybody this side of Carol Burnett knows, the National Enquirer doesn't let truth get in the way of a fabulicious story. So, despite Bono's threat to sue if the tabloid doesn't apologize, I wouldn't be surprised if the Enquirer instead continued to hound him by producing another cover story similar to the following:

CHAZ BONO: TRYING TO CONTACT SONNY! WEEKLY SEANCES

Chaz Bono misses his daddy--and how!

The ENQUIRER has learned that Chaz, the transgender activist and recent "Dancing With the Stars" contestant, hosts séances in his home every Sunday night in a sad, touching attempt to contact his father Sonny Bono, the singer and politician who died tragically in 1998 when he slammed into a tree while skiing.

"The séances are weird, man. I go for the food," said one insider who has attended three of these macabre gatherings where some 15 people assemble around a spooky table.

"We all hold hands while Madame Mertzola chants and groans and moans and stuff. I think she's getting sort of frustrated. The last time she kept screaming 'The beat goes on!'"

So far, said the insider, Sonny has not materialized, "although a couple of people thought they saw that tree he hit."

Headstrong Chaz refuses to stop these whacky attempts to reach Sonny. The sad, distressing reason is he desperately wants to speak to his father about masculinity! "Y'know, now that Chaz is a dude and all, he wants guidance and stuff," said the insider.

Dr. Scott Pitts, distinguished owner of a framed diploma from the Acme School of Transgender Mental Health, let The ENQUIRER in on a shocking fact: Transgender individuals are often drawn to the occult!

"I know one who owns a magic store. That's good enough for me," said the esteemed expert.

Cher, the mother of Chaz and ex-wife of Sonny, is baffled that Chaz wants advice on masculinity from his father. "Why Sonny? Most of the time I wore the bell bottoms in that relationship," Cher told an insider, who told The ENQUIRER, which is telling you.

Oh, and remember how Cher sadly, desperately, had two ribs surgically removed to make her waist smaller? The ENQUIRER has learned that she plans to put them back in again! Inspired by Chaz's efforts to be who he really is, Cher has bravely decided to return her rib cage to normal.

Meanwhile, all indications are the Sunday-night séances will carry on. The insider who attended three of the sad, heartbreaking events said Chaz has booked Madame Mertzola the medium through the end of the year.

"I'm not sure I'm going again," the insider said. Chaz wants to change up the energy in the room, in case, y'know, any of us are keeping Sonny away. That's cool with me. Last time when the lights went off I got groped."

The insider hopes Sonny appears, either in body or spirit. "Chaz is cool. He wants this bad. He deserves it. Can I have my check now?"


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I am laughing my butt off here.
I am open TransWoman and yes, I do own a magic shop.

After the very recent and untimely death of rapper Heavy D, I think it's VERY important for Chaz Bono to mind an aspect of his health that puts him at the same risk of heart attack. I'd just met Heavy D a few months ago. He was a warm and talented human being. And considering his performing lifestyle, was more physically active than Chaz in many ways.
He was very tall, and I know had recently lost a lot of weight.
I'm not sure if Chaz is still a smoker, but has been. Chaz's weight distribution, and especially the tell tale short neck and fat deposit that rings his neck indicate very high risk for heart disease and heart attack.
I know Chaz struggles with his weight. But he's right in the bull's eye of weight and lifestyle risk factors. I like Chaz and it's a fervent hope that he'll be able to reduce these factors. I'd really hate for the same thing that happened to Heavy D, happens to Chaz. In that, predicting such a tragedy is more likely for THAT reason.
Let's hope it NEVER happens.

Chaz has good genes. What is his mama now, close to 70 and could pass for 40? Still working! His daddy never had any serious illnesses I recall either, short of getting wrapped around a tree and that's not genetic. We don't know if hormones shorten lifespan but he has had his girl parts removed that could cause him to get female cancers---breast, ovaries, etc. I think he lost some weight on Dancing and if he has stopped smoking that risk will turn to near normal soon. So he should live a long and healthy life, probably healthier now than ever since he is who he has always wanted to be and does not have that stress hanging over him.