I'm Gay Marriage, and I'm mad.
Those alleged experts over at the Pew Research Center for the People & the Press - and what a stupidly long name that is - conducted a national survey to find out which issues matter most to voters, and I'm certain the pollsters were drunk and the respondents were house pets.
C'mon, what other explanation can there be for putting me, Gay Marriage, at the bottom of the list? The bottom, for chrissakes.
Oh, I get it that the Economy takes the top spot, followed by Jobs. Those show-offs.
Freakin' 86 percent of voters rated the Economy as "very important" to their vote. Don't they know what really counts? I'm Gay Marriage, with the power to bring down civilization!
And such pretenders are next on the list. The Budget Deficit, Health Care, Education, Medicare, Energy, Taxes. Amateurs, one and all.
Taxes earned a 61 percent rating, so you'd think I'd be showing up at least in this range, but nooooo. Instead, it's a different fear that gets the love: 59 percent of these dolts decided Terrorism is "very important" to their vote. What does Terrorism have that I don't?
The people of Pew - so aptly named - conducted this so-called survey from April 4 through April 15. It's crystal clear to me that a bunch of those surveyed had given up thinking for Lent.
The impossibly boring Foreign Policy collected a 52 percent rating, with the Environment just behind. Please, the Environment. Like whether the earth can continue to sustain life could possibly matter as much as whether two men can register at Crate & Barrel.
Iran is next on the appalling list, then Gun Control and Afghanistan. Looks to me like Afghanistan is getting the shaft, too, seeing as the U.S. is fighting a war there. I wish we could join forces - Gay Marriage in Afghanistan - and double our numbers.
You're just dying to know what my score is, aren't you? To see how low I've sunk? Well, Immigration comes in at 42 percent, then Abortion at 39 percent and Birth Control at 34 percent.
And. Then. There's. Me.
I, Gay Marriage, bring up the rear at 28 percent. Less than 30 percent of voters consider me critical to their vote. I could die for the shame.
Once I was in the big-time. I'm talking a mere two presidential elections ago. In 2004, Karl Rove made me a star. I firmly believe I gave George W. Bush Ohio, which won him re-election.
Now? Now Bush's wife says gays should be able to marry and his campaign manager has come out! How can a wedge issue work under these conditions?
Can't give up. Must regroup. Abortion and Birth Control are down here in the cellar with me. The economic situation has everyone's attention. If it turns around, I bet the hot-button social issues will rise again in the polls.
At least past Foreign Policy. Sheesh.
But the Pew-y president said I don't energize the conservative base like I used to. Some older Americans have even changed their minds about me. Turncoats! Poltroons! Sissies!
Maybe I really have lost my mojo. I'm deeply depressed. Abortion and Birth Control and I should join a therapy group for social issues whose hot buttons have cooled.
How else can I, Gay Marriage, recover my self-esteem? I could fight back - threaten that in addition to bestiality, I'll lead to mandatory sex with unicorns - but my heart isn't in it.
I have to face it. I'm not the issue I was. I'm impotent. And there ain't no Viagra for me.
(Same-sex marriage clipart via BigStock)