My mom is in Mexico for a few weeks, so I think it's safe to share this story.
Two years ago this month, Mom's dad died. Grandpa was an artist and entrepreneur, a small-time inventor who owned a custom frame shop. Over 65 years of marriage, he and Grandma amassed a large archive of slides and photographs that documented everything from their courtship to Grandpa's business ventures and countless family camping trips.
My sister and I both flew to Phoenix for the funeral, but Kristen got there first. She ended up spending a day with the family archive, helping Mom select pictures for a coffin-side photo collage. Ever the social scientist, Kristen wasted no time in sorting through the evidence and identifying her own salient data. By the time I arrived, she had the slide projector set up in Grandma's living room.
"There's this picture you have to see," she said, when we had a moment in private. "It's Mom and Dad right after their honeymoon. They actually look kind of hip. It's weird. I need to have that picture."
Unfortunately, our mother had already sniffed out my sister's fascination. She sighed when Kristen switched on the projector. Over the lumbering hum of the ancient machine, Mom performed a multimedia symphony of teeth-sucking and eye-rolling. She actually groaned when the post-honeymoon picture clicked into view. "Oh puhleeez."
The more we delighted, the more she protested. "Mom, you look so beautiful...I love that dress... You guys were so cute... I wish my hair could look like that."
"Oh, stop it," she said. "Just stop."
The problem was as clear as the Arizona sunlight. In the photo, my father is sprawled in a mid-century lawn chair in my grandparents' backyard. His hair is slightly long, and he's wearing Wayfarer-style glasses with black frames. Although my grandparents were teetotalers, he seems to be holding a scotch and soda. His lanky legs are crossed at the knee, and he's wearing a pair of extremely loud plaid pants.
In other words, he looks like he should be having cocktails with Christopher Isherwood and Don Bachardy. He looks like a great big gay.
The next day, after the funeral, we were all too sad and tired to bother with the slides. Mom said her husband was going to digitize them, so it seemed like we'd all be able to have a copy of the picture. A few weeks later, when Kristen asked about it, Mom said she would send the picture. Instead, she emailed a copy of the glamour shot that she uses for her Facebook profile.
When you grow up with a closeted parent, there's a big part of your family history that's missing. It's not simply that people are guarding secrets; there are even bigger gaps from the unconscious effort of resisting what is already known.
As adults, my sister and I can spend hours analyzing a remembered word or gesture, trying to figure out where we came from and how it shaped us. It's personal, sometimes it's sad or frustrating or harrowing. But it's also pleasurable. The truth is, we like being sleuths in the archive, putting the pieces together in different combinations, trying to see what stories we can tell.
For my parents, the photo elicits different feelings. In these black and white snapshots, they are literally exposed. What should I have known? What did I show? Who knew? Did I seem like a fool? A joke?
Last Christmas, Kristen raised the question of The Photo with our father. Since my dad came out in 1994, I have seen him wear some truly outrageous ensembles. My favorite was the time he showed up at a (Mormon) family reunion in shiny black pants with a chain mail belt. However, as Kristen began to describe the missing picture, he grimaced. It was as if somehow he already knew.
"Am I wearing funny pants in that picture?"
Yes, funny pants, we love you. And, for the record, my mom is at a language school in Mexico this month, and I know she's rocking those irregular verbs, because she's super smart.
This is my favorite photo of my parents. You can read more about my crazy family on my blog, Queer Rock Love.