Dear LGBT Advocates:
We have called you to the White House to let you know that President Obama won't be signing the ENDA Executive Order any time soon. You think those federal contractors who are giving us tons of campaign cash are just going to roll over? Get over yourselves.
After all, as your great leader Joe Solmonese once pointed out, it's not 2017 yet. The President has finally found himself 5 points up in the polls against Governor Romney, are you trying to stifle our rainbow? Look, we support you, we really do, but we've already given you the Hate Crimes law and the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell -- you guys are insatiable. You've got to stop with the petitions and people infiltrating the Easter Egg Roll and whatnot. Whose side are you on? You want to give the Republicans more ammunition?
Yes We Can -- We Can't Wait -- those are our slogans, but come on, they're just slogans. We can't wave a magic wand or a pen and just give you rights. Well, actually we could, but hey, go bother Congress for a while. Passing ENDA through Congress would be much better for getting you some rights. I know, I know, there's no way that's going to happen now, but that's not the White House's fault, is it? Yes, you had enough votes to pass it in the House in 2010 and were within a few votes in the Senate, and sure, White House pressure would probably have put it over the top, but you apparently didn't lobby hard enough, so don't go blaming us for that. Isn't it enough that we're not a barrier to the legislation? We've supported you on everything, and yet you are ungrateful.
Well, it's true we haven't supported marriage equality, but that's pure political poison. We can't touch it with a ten foot pole. We're evolving (wink wink). Can't you people hear a dog whistle? Just keep on giving us campaign cash and imagine what wonderful things we will do for you after the election. We'll change our spots then, you bet. We'll give you marriage equality, we'll give you ENDA, we'll give you the DREAM Act, we'll act for the environment and block those crazy pipelines. You think President Obama is really a centrist? C'mon, get real. This is politics, people. Play the game.
We usually don't call people to the White House to tell them we're not signing an Executive Order, but someone had to do something to call off the dogs. You all were starting to get some traction, but we can't afford that. Now don't go thinking that chaining yourselves to the White House fence is going to work a second time. You've already played that card. We summoned you here to let you know our resolve -- we're not gonna sign that Order, no way, no how. So just stop with all the pressure. It's not working. These are not the droids you're looking for. Not...working...must get away...from political kryptonite...
We're sorry that Jarrod Scarbrough is moving to Florida and won't have any protection from losing his federal contractor job. But who asked him to move to Red State City?
Just keep giving us money and working for our campaign. We'll let you kick the football after the election, Charlie Brown, honest.
I just received an email message from the President. He addressed me personally. "Jillian," he said "We now know who our opponent is. But what we're really fighting against is what our opponent has pledged to do if elected." He explained a bit about Mitt Romney's policies, and asked me for some money to help in his fight. I hesitated for a moment, but then I felt badly, thinking that it was rather nice of the President to reach out to me in this way after I blogged so openly about my discontents, and I really do support him, so I sent him a few dollars. It sounded like he really needed it. I didn't want to seem petty. And I got a coupon for 10% in the online Obama Store. Maybe I'll get one of those nifty HOPE pins, because I hope he'll come around one of these days.
Go, Team Obama!
(Waiting clip art via BigStock)