Back in mid-March, Astroglide sent me a sample bottle of their product and asked me to write a review. I'm not sure if they knew what kind of LGBT blog I run, but I obviously needed to take my product testing responsibility as serious as I do my politics.
Here's how they pitched the product to me:
Astroglide Personal Lubricants enhance the comfort and ease of intimate physical activity. Developed by the innovative healthcare product company BioFilm, Astroglide X was designed for those who demand high performance products to enhance their love life. Astroglide X contains a unique blend of high quality ingredients - known to act as skin conditioners - for enhanced silky sensations and prolonged mutual stimulation.
I told our regular readers that I was taking the day off on Saturday to move. Thankfully, we only moved downstairs four floors so I had plenty of opportunities to try the full-sized bottle of Astroglide X. I decided to put the product through it's paces and see for myself how slick it really is. I mean, there were five gay guys involved in the move; that's the start of a porno movie right there. Throw in lube and who knows what'll happen?
Before we started the rigorous testing, we all reviewed the product pitch. Shlepping all of our junk downstairs was definitely physical activity and if you'd seen how small our old apartment was, you'd know that five men in that tiny place would certainly qualify as "intimate." We were good to go.
Our first dilemma was whether or not we were going to use the elevator or trudge up and down the stairs. The pitch said this stuff was "high performance" so we decided to try them both. This would allow us to go in both a rapid up and down motion (elevator) and get in a little corkscrew action (stairs).
Before we could we could start sweating though, we had to warm up. These sort of gatherings are always a little difficult to organize; it's like herding cats. If you're not careful, you'll have gays everywhere and none of them where they should be. You have to ease into it. If you go too fast, someone can get hurt. You really have to take your time and limber up before you even begin to think about moving things around a bit.
Take the Stairs
Soon we were all ready to begin. We'd already taken care of most of the small stuff the day before. You don't invite five guys over for a lube test and not have something big to try it out on; you've really got to weed through all of the potential test items and make sure you're not wasting everyone's time on something you could encompass in one hand.
Thankfully, we had some huge items to get this test started and decided to begin with the stairs. First we whipped out a big piece of latex to see if there was a difference between the rubber/plastic set and the, shall we say, more natural stuff. We gooped it up and sat it on the floor - just waiting for the first person to come and sit something on it. Soon enough, one of the boys mosied over and volunteered to "guide" it to the bottom for another guy. The first held it steady and the second slowly lowered his package onto it.
That's when the shower curtain started to slide downstairs with the wine rack still resting on it. Before our "guide" could stop the catastrophe, everything had landed in a heap at the base of the stairs in a jumble of wood, glass, and slickened latex.
Our first test was a success. Astroglide X works well on latex and holds up to many bumps and grinds along the way. Satisfied with the results, we moved on to the more forceful and complicated mechanical ups and downs of the elevator.
Up & Down Creates Friction
By this point we knew we were going to need to put some muscle behind our movement. Our bedroom dresser weighs a ton. If only one of us went through the trial, he'd be so worn out that he'd be useless for the rest of the night.
Thinking quickly, one of the guys suggested that we go with the old gay sex standby. If it's not moving easily, you need more lube. After all, the bottle says right on it that you should add more if things get, shall we say, sticky. Since their website clearly says that "Lubrication prior to penetration will enhance your partner's enjoyment," we decided that it would be best to apply Astroglide X to the dresser's feet before we got it out the apartment door. After all, no one wants to be trapped in an elevator with an unhappy partner who doesn't have enough lube but does have access to large items.
Everything was going well as we slid the dresser across the hard wood floors, but once we hit the carpet in the hallway, things got difficult. I'm sure we've all had the experience of fabric getting in the way and generally making things difficult in one of these situations, but this was a completely new state of affairs. The stuff was rubbing off faster than a stuttering cub can say "Berber." To help keep things going smooth as "silk," we all pitched in to get that hard piece of wood moving again. We carried it into the elevator and slathered it up for a second go-round.
One small problem, once we had Astroglide all over our hands, it made it difficult to confidently poke anything smooth and metal. We ended up stopping on every floor of the building after someone kept accidentally hitting the wrong floor button thanks to their very frictionless fingers. You know what I mean. Sometimes you aim for the right spot, but end up going in a completely different direction thanks to a small snafu. Those buttons can be tricky when you're covered in lube.
After all the ups and downs it was time to turn the sucker horizontal and see what we could do. We poured the rest of the bottle all over the back and thrust ourselves into the work. It worked like a charm and soon we were over the moon with delight as the large piece slid right in the door and into place. Insertion complete.
Unfortunately, right outside of the bathroom door I hit a spot where someone didn't clean up too well. I slipped and fell into the bathtub. While I tried to get up and holler for help, I was unable do so because I kept crashing back into the shower and knocking my head on the damn soap rack. Astroglide X is made from silicone, so it's safe for water play. It doesn't wash off without soap.
The Slippery Conclusion
All in all, I'd have to say that Astroglide X is a powerful product that can get you into (and out of) a tight spot repeatedly - over and over, in and out, forwards and backwards. This stuff is so slick that oil spills ask for pointers.
After all, Astroglide X really helped five gay men engaged in "intimate physical activity" to keep everything moving smoothly and none of us felt dirty or sticky afterwards. Plus, our hands were as smooth as a baby's bottom thanks to the high quality ingredient that act as skin conditioners.
The final verdict? I'd highly recommend it. Unless, of course, you're not a fan large group parties that end in broken wine glasses, a hot shower, and shoving large items into small holes. And, seriously, if you're not, why would you be reading a review of Astroglide X?!
If you'd like your own free sample, Astroglide will send you one too.
As a side note: Do not try slathering the stuff all over your face every night as a moisturizer. Conditioned or not, the stuff doesn't leave you feeling fresh and clean. My head kept shooting off the bed and the stains on the pillow weren't very pretty either.
Please note: Obviously I made up the entire story since I don't do posts sexier than the occasional naughty photo or cartoon. You probably shouldn't attempt to recreate any of these fantastical situations. Astroglide is not intended to be used for anything other than sex. But it works damn well for that purpose too.