'Tis the season of ministerial ravings. The world has heard Pastor Sean Harris urge parents to punch effeminate sons, Pastor Charles Worley advocate putting gays in concentration camps and Pastor Curtis Knapp suggest the government kill gays.
What the world hasn't heard is an equivalent rant from the other side. Time to change that. What follows is a sermon I've whipped up for use by any Metropolitan Community Church (MCC) pastor.
Friends, in the time allotted to me this morning I'm going to preach on an uncomfortable subject. It's something we don't want to think about, let alone talk about. But I would be abandoning my duty as your spiritual shepherd if I didn't face it head on.
Oh, I see you crinkling your noses in distaste. I get it, brothers and sisters, believe you me. But we can't hide our heads in the sand and pretend it doesn't exist. Heterosexuality is all around us.
Openly straight people are in the military. Openly straight people are in the government. They're all over Hollywood. These days they think they can do anything.
But we won't let them. And you know why? It's not just because straights do icky things. Although that's bad enough. George, can you imagine kissing a woman? Betty, can you imagine kissing a man? Yuck. And what straight people do in bed makes me want to vomit.
No, the reason we must stamp out heterosexuality is simple: It's wrong. It's immoral. It's not God's way. How do I know that? Jesus had only male disciples! If that's not a clear message that men and women are supposed to stay apart, I don't know what is.
But heterosexuals mock Jesus. They spit on God's plan. They choose that abominable straight lifestyle instead. They openly and wantonly cavort with each other. They hold 4th of July parades and flaunt their seersucker shorts. They recruit! When I think of all the poor lesbian and gay children who've been lured onto the sinful path of straightness, I cry.
I tell you, one day God will turn Nantucket and Martha's Vineyard into pillars of salt! But he will bless Provincetown!
Brothers and sisters, what can we do to aid the Lord's work? First, we must root out the devil in our midst. Some of you have confessed to me that you are, yes, straight. Calm down, everyone. We are Christians, so we shall love the sinner.
It's our duty to help these sinners get right with God. So I'm announcing today that this MCC church will launch ex-straight groups. We have plenty of former Catholic nuns to run the women's ex-straight group, and the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence have volunteered to facilitate the men's group. May the spirit of the Lord be upon you all as you enter into this difficult and critical work.
That's not all that we have to tackle here on the home front. I now turn to the parents among us with a truth that must be spoken: Far too many of our beautiful children are turning straight. I know you've tried your best, and I know evil societal forces undermine you.
But you're obviously doing something wrong.
If you want to do God's will, you must produce gay kids. It's that simple. Please, look at your parenting. Figure out where you're going wrong. If your son starts to show an unhealthy interest in girls, knock him into next week.
If you don't, he could wind up in a concentration camp for straights. So for his sake, your sake and the sake of this great nation, model God's love by whacking him silly.
Go in peace. Amen.
Image Source: Bigstockphoto.com