Bil Browning

How to Become the New Pope

Filed By Bil Browning | March 05, 2013 3:00 PM | comments

Filed in: Fundie Watch, Living
Tags: new Pope, papal conclave, papal resignation, Pope Valentine, Pope Valentine II

Now that I'm an ordained Reverend Doctor, I thought maybe - just maybe - I'd be selected to be the new Pope. I've been working furiously on my acceptance speech, but after watching the video after the break on how to become the new Pope, perhaps I should put down the pen.

So - if none of us can become Pope (unless there's a Cardinal that reads Bilerico regularly!), let's skip to the next best popealicious question: If you became Pope, what would you take as your new name? Me? I'd be Pope Valentine II.

I picked the name from a list of previous regnal names and then noticed that part of the symbolism of the proceeding is that is meant to Pope-Valentine.jpgcompare your reign with the original name bearer. Curious, I looked up Pope Valentine. Of course, I randomly picked the may-be-gay rabble rousing Pope who wasn't even a priest and died five weeks after he was installed.

Showing an early aptitude for learning, he was moved from the school attached to the Lateran Palace and, according to the Liber Pontificalis, was made a Deacon by Pope Paschal I (817-824). Paschal grew attached to the young man, and soon raised him rank of Archdeacon. He also was clearly favoured by Paschal's successor, Pope Eugene II, to the point where rumours were circulated that Valentine was really the son of Eugene. Other rumours declared that Valentine and Eugene were involved in an illicit relationship.

With the death of Eugene, the Roman clergy, nobility and people all acclaimed Valentine as being the most worthy to occupy the Apostolic See. They took him from the Basilica di Santa Maria Maggiore, and installed him in the Lateran Palace, ignoring his protests. In their haste, they enthroned him before he was consecrated a priest; this was an unusual reversal of the normal proceedings, and in fact was the first time it had happened in the recorded history of the papacy, although it would be repeated during the pontificate of Pope Benedict III. On the following Sunday, he was formally consecrated bishop at St. Peter's Basilica. There were no imperial representatives present during the election, and Valentine had no opportunity to ratify his election with the emperor, as he was dead within five weeks, dying on 10 October 827.


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