Paige Schilt

Funerals and Freakshows

Filed By Paige Schilt | April 09, 2013 2:00 PM | comments

Filed in: Living
Tags: funeral, LGBT families, obituary, Philip Koonce II, queer, south, Texas, transgender daughter

Thumbnail image for 374927_10151211379189604_93712399_n.jpgI pulled up to Daddy Phil's house just before the viewing. The family was already at the funeral home, but the garage door had been left open to reveal rows of folding chairs and card tables bedecked with vinyl tablecloths.

Inside the house, the kitchen counter was crowded with boxes of kolaches. I knew that food would continue to roll in throughout the evening and the next day. Friends and family would appear in an intricately choreographed dance, unloading ice and coolers, cookies and casseroles, sodas and red Solo cups.

Philip Koonce II, beloved husband, father and coach, passed away on Tuesday, January 29, 2013. He was born on October 16, 1926, in Shreveport, Louisiana to Dr. Philip B. Koonce, Sr. and Mabel Koonce. Philip is survived by his children: Philip Koonce, III and his wife Gail, Blaine Koonce and his wife Lynn, and Katy Koonce and her wife Paige; his grandchildren: Cody, Bryan, Brent, Haley, Andrea, Jenna, Stephanie, Dylan, and Waylon; and seven great-grandchildren.

Growing up in Carthage, Texas, Philip dreamt of becoming a famous country singer like Tex Ritter (another Carthage native son). His mother, the indomitable Mabel Koonce, wrote to Ritter for advice. The country music legend responded with a long letter that said, essentially, "It's a hard life. Go to college. Explore your options."

In 1944, Philip enrolled at the University of Texas. He played football and (at Mabel's insistence) interned for a state senator. Drafted at the end of the war and stationed in the Philippines, Philip found an unusual niche. At 19, he was recruited to coach and quarterback a football team for the Air Core. He also helped organize entertainment for the USO. In a letter, he told Mabel that it was "the kind of a job I've always wanted and I'm going to give it everything I've got."

After the war, Philip attended the University of Houston. He walked on to the football team and eventually won a scholarship. He met his future wife, earned a master's degree in education, got married, and moved to Texas City to begin his career as a high school football coach.

***

The Koonces are a musical people. Katy's mother, Donna, wrote volumes of rhyming verse. Her couplets could be simultaneously sappy, pointed and inspired. She might wax poetic about a mother's love, but she was equally likely to compose an epic guilt trip.

Katy's oldest brother, Phil III, has been known to rhyme as well. His ode to Father's Day, "A Few Things I Remember About Dad," hung on the wall above the old man's bed.

As lead singer for Butch County, Katy growls her rhymes. They're less sentimental, more sexual, filled with fictional characters and intricate rhetorical acrobatics.

Katy's middle brother, Blaine, is the kind of musician who can play anything with strings. He's been in all kinds of bands, from bluegrass to gospel, but his real genius is improvising songs for any occasion, which he delivers in a charismatic comic deadpan.

***

Thumbnail image for daddyphilfuneral.jpgOn the evening of Daddy Phil's funeral, friends gathered around the card tables in the garage. They came to eat and talk, to comfort and commiserate, but mostly to listen and to sing.

Sandra and April brought a cooler full of ice.

Pammie brought pasta.

Leigh Ann and Redonda brought King Ranch casserole.

Dede brought paper products, including extra t.p.

Someone brought shrimp slaw and made sweet tea.

Someone else wrote it all down on a yellow legal pad in the kitchen.

Blaine held court with his guitar. As the night wore on, he and his friend Victor played everything from "Let It Be" to "Up Against the Wall Redneck Mother." The mourners overflowed into the driveway and coalesced around the beer coolers. In the darkness, the warm yellow light of the garage was like amniotic fluid, enveloping and protecting the dearly beloved. I put my arm around my queer-as-shit wife and sang along about "kicking hippies' asses and raising hell."

***

I had hoped to see Katy's nephew, Bryan Koonce, hip-hop impresario and aspiring MC. After Katy's mom's funeral, he had delivered a manic, virtuosic description of what it was like to smoke salvia. I was curious what more I might learn.

I found him inside the house with his two sisters, Andrea and Jenna. They were sitting on the family room couch, texting, seemingly separate from the rest of the party.

"Do you remember me?" I asked, plopping down on the rocking chair. "I'm Paige, Katy's wife."

"Yeah, I remember you," Bryan answered, friendly but distracted by his phone. All three siblings have young kids, and all three live together at their mom's house. His sister said something under her breath. They seemed to be sparring in real time and via text simultaneously.

"We're kind of the Jerry Springer side of the family," Bryan said, bashfully.

I gazed at the family photos on the wall. If they had captions, they'd read like a rolodex of reality show plots: "Addiction Killed My Mama," "The Brother I Never Knew I Had," "My Daughter Looks Like a Man."

"Which side isn't the Jerry Springer side?" I asked, sweeping my arm around the room and including myself.

"True," he laughed. I'm not sure if he registered the irony that I, the unlawfully wedded wife of the prodigal daughter, was awkwardly trying to reassure the first-born son of the first-born son.

***

In 1969, Philip moved to Lake Jackson, Texas, to work with at Brazoswood High School. For 16 years, Koonce served as Assistant Head Football Coach and Defensive Coordinator, helping to guide the Brazoswood Buccaneers to eight district titles and to the state championship in 1974. Former players remember him as stern and disciplined yet compassionate, an introvert with a sense of humor and a talent for storytelling.

I did not grow up in a close-knit community. I never learned to anticipate the needs of grieving neighbors, nor did I know the spiritual comfort that these small gestures give.

However...

I have been honored to write obituaries for both of Katy's parents, and I have rarely felt so purposeful, rarely known such a fit between the task at hand and my humble tools.

I can't spin rhymes, can't keep a tune, but I'm lucky to cast my lot with people who know how to sing and to grieve.


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