Bil Browning

Making a Joke Out of Thanksgiving

Filed By Bil Browning | November 28, 2013 9:30 AM | comments

Filed in: Living
Tags: holiday season, jokes, Thanksgiving Day, Thanksgiving jokes, Turkey Day

thanksgiving-turkey-chicken.jpg

Everywhere you turn today, people will be telling you to be super-duper grateful for all of life's joys and even its troubles. Others will want to lecture about the evils of a day dedicated to celebrating the beginning of the destruction of the Native American way of life. And then there's Uncle Ralph who will insist on discussing why Obamacare will lead to Sharia Law in North Dakota if someone doesn't find his real birth certificate.

Throw in your obnoxious cousin's little brats running around screaming all day plus your brother's teens relentlessly checking Facebook on their iPhones and you have a recipe for more whipping and beating than your Aunt Lucy's lumpy-assed mashed potatoes.

So what do we need to do to help Projectors alleviate some of the turkey-inspired stress of the holiday? Let's lighten the mood.

Instead of the usual thankfulness mumbo-jumbo, why not leave a joke in the comments section? Thanksgiving-related or not, it has to be better than hearing Uncle Bob say "Pull my finger!" one more time.

My favorite turkey joke includes a parrot and a lot of cussing. Check it out below and give me your best giggle maker in the comments.

The Parrot and the Freezer

An old religious lady goes to a pet store to buy a parrot. She explains to the owner that her husband has recently passed and she's lonely. She wants the parrot so she'll have someone to talk to her as she works around the house. Even if it's only nonsense, the house would be full of chatter once more.

The pet store owner tells her that he only has one parrot in the store and that she probably wouldn't want to buy it. The bird was previously owned by pirate and it repeated a lot of curse words that would likely upset the little old lady.

Since she's desperate for company at home, she decides to buy the parrot and takes him back with her. She spent a little time creating the perfect spot for his cage in the kitchen and settled down to have her first chat with him.

"I'm Betty," she said. "Are you hungry?"

"Fuck yes, I'm hungry," the parrot replied. "I've been traveling around all goddamn day."

"Oh my!" gasped the old lady. "I'll teach you not to speak that way in this house."

She grabbed the parrot and threw it in her freezer for five minutes. When his punishment was finished, she brought the bird out and asked, "Are you ever going to speak like that again?"

"Nooo." said the parrot. Satisfied, the old woman put him back in his cage and went to clean the house.

Later that evening, the old lady went back to the bird cage and asked her new parrot sweetly, "I'm ready to make dinner. Are you hungry too?"

"Fuck yes," said the parrot. "I've already told you once, you old bag."

"Oh my!" gasped the old lady. "I'll teach you not to speak that way in this house."

She grabbed the parrot and threw it in her freezer for ten minutes. When his punishment was finished, she brought the bird out and asked, "Are you ever going to speak like that again?"

"Noooooo." the parrot chattered. Satisfied, the old woman put him back in his cage and started making dinner.

But the parrot was peeved at getting thrown into the freezer for having what he thought was a normal conversation. He didn't really know what he was doing wrong. "Stupid bitch," he muttered. "I wonder what her fucking deal is."

The old lady overheard the bird cussing her under his breath and decided it was time to really teach him a lesson. "I can hear you!" she thundered. "And now I'll make sure you know how serious I am about this. You won't speak that way in this home! You're going into the freezer for 15 minutes this time!"

She grabbed the parrot and threw it in the freezer again, but since she was cooking, she got busy and forgot to pull the bird back out until a half an hour later. "Are you ever going to speak like that again?" she asked the parrot when she pulled him out - stiff and cold but still alive.

"I got one question, lady." the shivering parrot said.

"What is it?" asked the woman.

The parrot looked the woman and then looked down at his feet. In a soft voice he asked, "What the fuck did the turkey do?"


Recent Entries Filed under Living:

Leave a comment

We want to know your opinion on this issue! While arguing about an opinion or idea is encouraged, personal attacks will not be tolerated. Please be respectful of others.

The editorial team will delete a comment that is off-topic, abusive, exceptionally incoherent, includes a slur or is soliciting and/or advertising. Repeated violations of the policy will result in revocation of your user account. Please keep in mind that this is our online home; ill-mannered house guests will be shown the door.