So apparently there's a "reality TV" show that chronicles the exploits of a family of rural Louisiana duck hunters. It's called Duck Dynasty, it airs on A&E, and it's apparently a runaway hit. (I can't decide which is worse: that such a show exists, or that so many people watch it.)
In any case, the patriarch of this illustrious family is a 67-year-old man by the name of Phil Robertson. He's a former college football star who turned down a career in the NFL, taught phy ed for a while, then ran a bar. Robertson turned to the bottle, became abusive, and then -- try to contain your shock -- found "Jesus." And in a new interview with GQ, Robertson made clear that his Jesus don't much like Teh Gays, and wishes they would just do it with vaginas instead:
"It seems like, to me, a vagina--as a man--would be more desirable than a man's anus. That's just me. I'm just thinking: There's more there! She's got more to offer. I mean, come on, dudes! You know what I'm saying? But hey, sin: It's not logical, my man. It's just not logical."
It gets worse -- oh, it gets much, much worse.
Robertson's thoughts on bestiality:
"We're Bible-thumpers who just happened to end up on television," he tells me. "You put in your article that the Robertson family really believes strongly that if the human race loved each other and they loved God, we would just be better off. We ought to just be repentant, turn to God, and let's get on with it, and everything will turn around."
What does repentance entail? Well, in Robertson's worldview, America was a country founded upon Christian values (Thou shalt not kill, etc.), and he believes that the gradual removal of Christian symbolism from public spaces has diluted those founding principles. (He and Si take turns going on about why the Ten Commandments ought to be displayed outside courthouses.) He sees the popularity of Duck Dynasty as a small corrective to all that we have lost.
"Everything is blurred on what's right and what's wrong," he says. "Sin becomes fine."
What, in your mind, is sinful?
"Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men," he says. Then he paraphrases Corinthians: "Don't be deceived. Neither the adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers--they won't inherit the kingdom of God. Don't deceive yourself. It's not right."
During Phil's darkest days, in the early 1970s, he had to flee the state of Arkansas after he badly beat up a bar owner and the guy's wife. Kay Robertson persuaded the bar owner not to press charges in exchange for most of the Robertsons' life savings. ("A hefty price," he notes in his memoir.) I ask Phil if he ever repented for that, as he wants America to repent--if he ever tracked down the bar owner and his wife to apologize for the assault. He shakes his head.
"I didn't dredge anything back up. I just put it behind me."
As far as Phil is concerned, he was literally born again. Old Phil--the guy with the booze and the pills--died a long time ago, and New Phil sees no need to apologize for him: "We never, ever judge someone on who's going to heaven, hell. That's the Almighty's job. We just love 'em, give 'em the good news about Jesus--whether they're homosexuals, drunks, terrorists. We let God sort 'em out later, you see what I'm saying?"
GLAAD spokesman Wilson Cruz was quick to condemn Robertson's remarks. "Phil and his family claim to be Christian, but Phil's lies about an entire community fly in the face of what true Christians believe," Cruz said. "He clearly knows nothing about gay people or the majority of Louisianans - and Americans - who support legal recognition for loving and committed gay and lesbian couples. Phil's decision to push vile and extreme stereotypes is a stain on A&E and his sponsors who now need to reexamine their ties to someone with such public disdain for LGBT people and families."
According to an August survey from Public Policy Polling, 56% of Louisianans support relationship recognition for same-sex couples.
UPDATE: A&E has released a statement, allegedly from Robinson, that doesn't apologize for or walk back his disgustingly bigoted comments, but instead tries to explain them:
"I myself am a product of the 60s; I centered my life around sex, drugs and rock and roll until I hit rock bottom and accepted Jesus as my Savior. My mission today is to go forth and tell people about why I follow Christ and also what the bible teaches, and part of that teaching is that women and men are meant to be together. However, I would never treat anyone with disrespect just because they are different from me. We are all created by the Almighty and like Him, I love all of humanity. We would all be better off if we loved God and loved each other."
See, gays are hell-bound pig****ers because Jesus. No disrespect. (That makes everything better, right?)