In today's post, the last "How's That Work," we look at some specific strategies for exploring desires that are rather unusual.
Of course, "unusual" is an incredibly subjective word. Desires or activities that are well within social norms in my own kink/BDSM suffused world might be considered beyond the pale in other communities, and to some extent the reverse can be true.
When looking at an unusual fetish or sexual desire, the first place to turn is the internet. I've said it before and I'll say it again: no matter what you're turned on by, somewhere out there is someone else being turned on by the same thing. Through the magic of the internet, it's often possible to find and network with those people.
But lets move beyond the internet into some strategies for playing with things that are out there enough that finding people to explore or network with is challenging.
A question worth asking about an out-there desire is "Is this desire/activity feasible?"
There can be many reasons why a fetish may not be particularly feasible in the real world. Issues of ethics, legality, safety, reputation, and even the laws of physics have been obstacles to exploring fetishes raised by attendees taking my classes. Cannibalism fantasies are a good example of a situation where there are few ways to explore a desire in a manner that is safe, ethical, and legal.
So other than simply squashing a desire and moving on, what can be done? More than you might think.
As we've talked about previously in "Exploring Desires," it is important to take an objective look at what about a particular fantasy/fetish you find arousing or exciting. Try to figure out what elements get the blood rushing to your genitals, as well as what about it specifically is unfeasible. Then look at related activities or fetishes that work with what's hot.
So to take our cannibalism example for a moment:
What might someone enjoy about cannibalism fantasies? Let's say for our hypothetical conversation, the idea of consuming another person/being consumed is the source of the eroticism. The barriers to the fantasy include the ethical, legal, and safety aspects for rather obvious reasons.
However, there are other activities besides eating someone that could be contextualized in a way that could still engage with the fantasy of cannibalism. Swallowing someone's ejaculate (or cooking with it I suppose) is the first thing that leaps to mind. I don't want to follow that particular rabbit hole much father, particularly as someone who isn't interested in cannibalism, but hopefully the concept makes sense.
Another clear option is roleplay. There is an infinite world of erotic possibilities we can explore using our imaginations to help build an experience. This can be done solo or with partner(s) and can cover the range of expressions from fantasizing, to acting out a complex scenario. Medical play is a common example of incorporating fantasy or roleplay elements into one's erotic life, as most people don't actually have a doctor's office or surgical suite to play in.
For that matter, incorporating props into one's erotic play can be a valuable tool for exploring desires that are difficult or impossible to explore in a safe way otherwise. I can't tell you how many people's fantasies involve "abduction" or being "forced" at "gunpoint." But there is a raft of legal and safety issues around playing with actual firearms, while no one has ever been accidentally shot by a flashlight held to their temple. Yet with some attention paid to mood and character, as well as maybe the addition of a blindfold, the effect is extremely similar within the context of the scene.
Porn and erotica are other good mediums for exploring an unusual fetish or desire. Can't find anything that represents what you're looking for? You may not be looking in the right places. But let's assume there's nothing out there. Make your own!
An attendee in one of my workshops had an interesting solution to this problem. They would write erotic stories that they found hot, and then put them away for at least six months. That's enough time that the story felt "fresh" when they finally sat down to read it. Putting a story or porn imagery out on the web with an email address someone can reach you at isn't a bad way to network and find people with your particular desires. Likewise, Photoshop can be your friend. Learn how to create porn that gets you hot, and again, consider setting it aside for a while so it is new-ish when you need it.
This brings our three-part series on exploring desire to a close, as well the end of the "How's It Work" feature here on Bilerico. I hope you've enjoyed it and expanded your definitions of what people do with their erotic imaginations. Now go explore!