It's hard to believe that nearly two decades have passed since I came out to you as a gay man.  I didn't foresee that you would react by severing all communication between us.  So much has happened since that day, and sadly, you haven't been around to see it.

You've missed the "Worst of Times," when I really needed you.  I called from the hospital room after my partner passed away in 1996 and asked you to come to the funeral.  You said "Sorry, I'm not able."

But you've also missed the "Best of Times," when I simply wanted you.   Two years after Michael's death, I fell in love with Gary - a wonderful deaf man who is a gifted teacher.  I learned American Sign Language and together we adopted three kids. 

Niko is sixteen, takes his studies quite seriously, and consistently makes the honor roll.  Last year he was doing math calculations that would make your head spin.  This fall, he wants to play high school football and he is almost as passionate about that sport as you are.  Name a team and, like you, he will probably be able to tell you who plays each position in the starting line-up.

Trei is ten and has a great sense of humor with an unrelenting silly streak.  He shares your interest in American history and recently studied Abraham Lincoln at school.  Yesterday, he won first place in his freestyle heat at the swim meet.  You should have seen his face glow with pride when he was handed the blue ribbon.

Jolé is nine and is clearly the little princess in our home. She is into fashion and thinks she might want to be a vet when she grows up.  I spent much of the last year taking her to museums for an ongoing class project.  We saw an exhibit on Pearl Harbor and my memory flashed to your stories about listening as granddad recalled the day the Japanese attacked.

As a father myself, I can't help but think about what a tremendous loss it is that you don't know Niko, Trei, and Jolé.  They would embrace you instantly.

The irony is that your inability to love me for who I am is part of the reason that I am able to love my family for exactly who they are.  I know how painful it is to be rejected just for being different.  So in my home, we cherish the differences.  Deaf or hearing, Chinese or Hispanic, gay or straight - doesn't really matter.  From our perspective, it's all just one big blessing and we give thanks for it everyday.

I grieved your loss many years ago, and then moved on.  But I guess a part of me will always hope for a miracle - that someday, somehow, we will reconnect as father and son.  No matter what happens, know that I still love you and I always will.  

Happy Father's Day Dad.

-Jeff

My ring is a bit too large and every so often it comes flying off my finger when my hands are wet, soapy, or oily. I've temporarily lost that ring many times under furniture, down the kitchen disposal, in the clothes dryer, and countless other places. Once we helped a man haul away tree limbs from our back yard and the ring slipped into the massive truckload of debris and rubble. Miraculously, it revealed itself when the man was unloading at the dump the next day and he was kind enough to return it. The equal signs have faded a bit, yet the ring is in surprisingly good shape despite the years of wear and tear.

Yesterday my 8-year old daughter asked me why Chick-fil-A dislikes "Gay and Leslie" people. After rolling on the floor in laughter, I regained my composure and did my best to make use of this teachable moment. As my impromptu lesson unfolded, I took off my ring and used it as a prop to discuss the importance of love and justice.

I reminded her of that beautiful day on Zuma Beach four years ago when my husband and I celebrated our love for one another, as well as our love for her and her brothers. She thought for a minute, then said she would miss the waffle fries and the free ice cream cone for kids. She gently touched the tattered ring on my finger and said "But I love you and Daddy... and Chick-fil-A is stupid."

She gets it. The ring was cheap, but its value is priceless.

Driving home afterwards, I reflected on my younger days when I too could stay up all hours of the night frolicking in one dance club or another. In those days, I went to the gym religiously, and my body responded with rock-hard biceps and a broad chest. I ate pizza, burgers and fries, yet somehow my metabolism maintained a 30" waist. Nowadays, I'm in bed by 10:30 p.m., pulling back muscles putting on my pants, wearing reading glasses as thick as a Coke bottle, and instantly gaining six pounds if I bite into a carrot.

I'm going to try my best to embrace the realities of aging and the inevitable changes that are part of that journey. I'm going to make an effort to anticipate the challenges ahead, accept them, and trust that new chapters filled with love and laughter will also be written as part of my life story. Like all of us, I have the capacity for ongoing learning, spiritual growth, meaningful relationships, and the purposeful pursuit of new goals and activities. Some in our youth-obsessed culture will judge me, and you, as we age together. But, I'm starting to care very little about what they think. Instead, I'm going to do my best to approach the coming years with optimism, humor and resilience.

"OK world, here I am. Get ready for . . . Magic Jeff!"

(Aging clipart via Bigstock)

While no longer invisible, same-sex couples still have to work harder to find information and role models that will support and sustain the healthy development of their committed love relationships. Many LGBTQ couples face loving each other within the context of painful rejection from their families of origin and places of worship as religion-based prejudice continues to spread and be used to support condemnation. Others cannot be open about their identity at work for fear of losing their job or career.

As a result, false stereotypes about gay and lesbian relationships are deeply woven into the fabric of our society. Some of these include:

• Gay and lesbian relationships are counterfeit (not "real" relationships)
• Gay and lesbian relationships are psychologically immature
• Gay and lesbian relationships are less committed
• Gay and lesbian relationships are short-term and rarely last
• Gay and lesbian relationships are unhealthy for raising children

"Gay and lesbian relationships are the vanguard of what heterosexual relationships could be and I think heterosexual couples have a lot to learn from gay couples."

I nearly choked on a french fry. It was the first time I had ever heard a respected social scientist suggest that same-sex couples might actually serve as role models for opposite-sex couples. Gottman later made similar statements to the press and in 2003 said:

"I think that in 200 years heterosexual relationships will be where gay and lesbian relationships are today" and "Gay and lesbian couples are a lot more mature, more considerate in trying to improve a relationship and have a greater awareness of equality in a relationship than straight couples."

In my next post, I'll share some of the current research findings that support Gottman's conclusions. But for now, breathe in love and exhale fear. Then, I invite you to write the following mantra on a sticky note and attach it to your bathroom mirror. Every morning for one week, say the following out loud:

"My sexuality and my relationship are beautiful gifts with enormous capacities for enriching the lives of others within my community. From now on, I vow to love myself and ___________ (partner's name) in ways that are affirming, life-giving, and redeeming."

The Christmas after my partner and I started our family was a memorable one. Like many new parents we spoiled our first child rotten that holiday season with nearly every toy known to mankind. Alas, his favorite gift was a pair of rubber swords I bought for five bucks. We spontaneously transformed ourselves into brave knights and our living room became the set for a sword fight fit for Hollywood. Couch pillows became shields. Overstuffed armchairs became treacherous mountains. Empty gift boxes were now medieval helmets.

After about twenty minutes I was dangerously out of breath. In need of a break, I harkened a commanding posture and ordered my son to bow down on one knee. Using my sword, I tapped him on the right shoulder. Then I tapped him on the left. Finally, I tapped him on the top of his head and boldly pronounced "Son, I now dub you... a King!"

We continued our amateur fencing for several more minutes until my son stopped the action and said "Dad, now it's your turn to get down on one knee." I surrendered to his demand and he began to mimic my earlier actions. He tapped me on the right shoulder, then on the left. With a smirk on his face, he then enacted his grand finale with a tap on my head as he proudly proclaimed "Dad, I now dub you... a Queen!"

Take a look and let's have a conversation about what you think.

In 1999 I joined 200 others in the launching of Soulforce by visiting Falwell in Lynchburg, Virginia, and engaging in dialogue with leaders at his Thomas Road Baptist Church. I participated in several more direct actions over the next few years, and then got really active in 2004 when James Dobson was coined "The Kingmaker" by the national media for his role in getting evangelical Christians to re-elect George Bush.

I organized a nonviolent protest of Dobson's antigay propaganda and on May 1, 2005, over 1000 LGBTQ people and allies gathered outside Focus on the Family. The highlight of that event was when the crowd slow danced to a recording of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" by Johnny Mathis & Ray Charles, and then marched defiantly, but peacefully, around Dobson's sprawling 47-acre headquarters.

Over the next several years, I took same-sex couples and families to meet with some of the country's largest mega-church pastors (I wrote about my family's encounter with Rick Warren here, and the above photo is of Joel Osteen meeting my children). Bilerico contributor Paige Schilt served as my Communications Director and was instrumental in the success of that national campaign to raise awareness. My team also helped our young activists in launching the Equality Ride (which continues today and visits religious and military colleges with discriminatory policies against LGBTQ students).

Although you may not be in a position to organize events of this magnitude, you and your partner can act with strength and integrity to take a stand against injustice and advance the love you share. Get involved with your state equality organization; participate in lobby days; talk to family, friends, and neighbors about your relationship; come out at every opportunity; and if you are bold enough - invite an antigay church leader out to lunch for some dialogue. Whatever you do, do it without any violence of the fist, tongue, and heart and remember that in reality we are challenging unjust systems, not people. In due course, we seek to be in community with those from whom we currently find ourselves divided.

We are each responsible for taking action in pursuit of equality and you have the faculty to be powerful, influential, and prevailing. Most importantly, when you act you strengthen your own identity and your capacity to love others more fully. You may or may not be able to change the heart of another, but in trying, you most certainly will change your own.

But today I am reminded that many people remain single. Some do so by choice, others as a result of circumstances beyond their control. Let's include our whole community in today's festivities by recognizing the top ten advantages to being single:

1. You don't have to tolerate snoring, burping, farting, dirty socks on the floor, and other disgusting habits.
2. You can watch television, get drunk, or knit an afghan sweater without getting anyone else's approval.
3. You can save for retirement or buy a 1955 Mercedes 300 SL Gullwing for 4.62 million. It's your money.
4. You can stay up all night having sex with someone named Alessandro that you met briefly at a party, or drift to sleep watching the Golden Girls at 8:30.
5. You only have to pay off your own debt.
6. You can go to the freezer and trust that your ice cream will still be there.
7. You can make reservations for one at Chez Pannise or heat up that leftover burrito from Uncle Buck's Bar & Grill. Only your doctor will tell you what to eat.
8. You don't have to ask anyone for permission to have an orgasm.
9. You can focus on managing your own emotions and never have to read any boring books on codependency or stupid love languages.
10. You can join Occupy Valentine's Day and organize a nonviolent protest against the "romantic-industrial complex."

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In 2001, Dr. Judith Stacey and colleague Timothy Biblarz published a comprehensive review of the social science research on lesbian and gay parenting in the American Sociological Review. In 2005, I interviewed Dr. Stacey as part of a short film I was producing for Soulforce. Listen to Dr. Stacey's words and then share this video with those you think might need to see it:

How can couples in the LGBTQQI community reduce the chances that this will happen to them? How do you nurture and attend to your love relationship in an intentional way, while also juggling careers, home maintenance, hobbies, civic duties, relationships with friends and family of origin, finances, parenting, etc? How do you keep the spark alive, minimize resentment, and reduce the number of toxic fights that tear at your connection?

For the past two years I have been prescribing a nifty little tool to many of the couples in my psychotherapy practice and the majority of them report that it has helped tremendously. It's called the "Daily Temperature Reading" (or DTR) and was originally developed by the groundbreaking author and psychotherapist, Virginia Satir. Satir contributed greatly to the understanding of family systems, self-esteem, and human interaction.

The professionals at the Pairs Foundation have refined Satir's original DTR into an exercise that couples can complete in about 15-20 minutes. The exercise guides couples to share on five items that research shows are key to maintaining a strong connection and reducing misunderstanding; Appreciations, New Information, Puzzles, Concerns with Recommendations, and Wishes/Hopes/Dreams.

One quick disclaimer: The screen saver of the DTR App has the image/outline of a heterosexual couple, but I have found the staff at the PAIRS Foundation (www.pairs.com) to be inclusive and affirming of the LGBTQQI community in their classes.

While PAIRS encourages daily practice (as the name implies), many of the couples I've had the honor of working with report significant results even if they are only able to do the DTR a couple of times during the week and once on the weekend. The tool provides a structured "check-in" that helps each partner know what is going on in the heart and mind of the other. Having that information helps couples avoid, or at least minimize, the number of unexpected misunderstandings that lead to hurt feelings and resentment.

Give it a try and let me know what you think!

The volcano eventually erupts and now they are fighting with fury, highlighting every perceived flaw and hurling insults with such contempt that heads spin. Withdrawal leads to fighting and fighting leads to withdrawal. The cycle continues and the wall between them grows higher and thicker.

But conflict can actually be an opportunity for increased intimacy. It is often a signal that one or both partners are feeling insecure because a need, hope, or dream is not being met in the relationship. Learning effective strategies for coping with conflict can help you feel more relaxed and safe, and serve as a tool for learning more about yourself and your partner. Based on the current relationship research, here are three strategies I recommend.

I know. Sounds depressing. The point is that after an argument many people fantasize that life would be easier if they were with someone else. Yet breaking up and starting a new relationship usually means just exchanging the old set of problems for a new set. Most couples have a handful of perpetual problems - issues that occur again and again despite valiant efforts to find solutions.

It's human nature to want to fix things, but some differences persist. Sometimes the goal should be conflict "regulation" rather than conflict "resolution." You may not be able to prevent the problem from occurring again, but you can reduce its intensity. You can also use it as a clue to unexpressed emotions in the relationship. Sometimes "you never help with the laundry" really means "I feel disconnected and lonely."

2. Talk about problems when they are not happening instead of just when they are.

This may seem counterintuitive because the last thing you want to do is start a fight when things are going well. But during a fight people become flooded with emotions. Adrenaline, noradrenalin, and cortisol are released into the bloodstream and the one you love is perceived as enemy number one and a threat to safety. Thinking becomes chemically distorted. Fears become physiologically exaggerated. The hypothalamus fires a sequence of nerve cells and the rational mind gets bypassed. Old resentments resurface. You overreact to every comment and enter attack and destroy mode. You are operating from fear rather than from love.

Instead, try starting a conversation about the problem when things are more calm and friendly. Open the conversation with soft and conciliatory language rather than words that are accusatory. Some of the classic communication rules apply here: focus on "I" rather than "you" statements; minimize interrupting; avoid absolutes such as "always' and "never;" summarize and paraphrase what you are hearing (especially feelings); and keep the conversation focused on one topic at a time. While such an approach does not guarantee a successful conversation, it does increase the odds since defenses are generally lower and the heart is more open to understanding the other's perspective.

3. Notice when the problem is not a problem and catch your partner getting it right.

Although it can seem like your partner "never" does _______ (insert something you like), or "always" does _______ (insert something you don't like), such is rarely the case. It is more likely that your partner does do the things you appreciate, at least on occasion, but that you have become stuck in your own resentment and don't notice.

Try this exercise for one week: First, think of the thing that irritates you most about your partner (something you believe they do or don't do). Second, try to catch your partner getting it right (notice the moments when your partner behaves in the way you desire). Finally, express your gratitude and name for your partner the behavior that you appreciate.

For example, let's say that one of your frequent complaints is feeling ignored. For one week, try noticing the times when your partner is attentive (even if they are inattentive at other times). Then, express what you notice by saying something like "The way you are holding eye contact with me right now feels good. I feel really heard and understood."

Positive acknowledgements tend to result in more of the behavior that you seek. Even if your partner doesn't change, your view of them probably will and a growing body of research concludes that the mutual expression of appreciation is common practice within healthy and resilient love relationships.

I hope these three strategies help you think and talk about your relationship problems in a more effective way. Good luck!

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Perhaps we should all forward this moment of joy to every person we know who is struggling with the coming-out process. Or maybe we should send it to every politician and religious leader who abuses their power to discriminate against our relationships and families. More importantly, I wish every parent who will tragically reject their LGBTQ child this Christmas could somehow see it.

As a gay dad who dreams of becoming a grandparent, this glimpse into the happiness of another family is a beautiful gift that touches my heart. To me, this is love in action. Turn up your speakers and enjoy!

1. Sexual infidelity
2. Contemptuous communication
3. Conflict and unfair fighting
4. Sexual desire differences
5. Ongoing financial strain

Can you guess the correct answer?

Longitudinal studies conducted by Dr. John Gottman from the University of Washington found that contempt is like "sulfuric acid on love." Contempt is very different, and far more damaging, than conflict.

Imagine if I said to my partner, "You are not listening. You are acting self-centered!" Such criticism might not be good strategy on my part, and my partner is likely to react defensively. However, it would be much more destructive if I were to say, "You are not listening. You are a jerk!"

Contempt can be defined as words or body language that place the other person on a lower plane. It communicates a "one-up" and "I'm better than you" position. Contempt conveys disgust, suggests an inferior-superior hierarchy rather than equality, and slowly eats away at the connection between two people. It is often expressed non-verbally - for instance, when the listener rolls his or her eyes while the speaker is expressing thoughts, feelings, or opinions.

Conflict, while unpleasant, is a normal and natural occurrence within human relationships. It can't be, nor should it be, avoided at all times. In fact, conflict can be constructive when it opens up the channels of communication. What makes the difference between constructive conflict and damaging conflict is the way it is handled. Try to be intentional and mindful about treating your partner with respect, no matter how angry you might be in that moment. In conflict, you have the opportunity to tear the relationship down or build it up. I hope you choose the latter.

I finished my coffee, got dressed, and headed toward the television studio. The debate, as expected, was both challenging and heated. I guess it made for good television because the producers kept showing reruns on cable for several months.

That night, I reflected on the events of the day as my head touched the pillow. I realized that the 20 minute debate, while certainly important, was not the highlight. The moment that touched my heart and left a lasting impression was that simple 3.5 second burst of laughter from my family.

It's also important to express appreciation for those little moments. Medieval mystic Meister Eckhart once wrote that if the only prayer we say in a lifetime is "thank you," that would be enough. A 2003 study seems to support that sentiment.

Participants in the study were randomly assigned to one of three groups and kept an extensive journal for 10 weeks. One group was instructed to describe five things from the previous week for which they felt grateful (the gratitude condition). The second group was asked to describe five things from the previous week that had displeased them (the hassles condition). The third group was told to list five events from the prior week that had affected them, but they were not instructed to highlight either the positive or negative features of those events (the events condition). The results showed that those in the "gratitude condition" had engaged in nearly 1.5 more hours of exercise, reported fewer physical complaints or symptoms of illness, and had higher levels of overall life satisfaction than participants in either of the other two groups.1

This Thanksgiving I'm hoping that you and I both will pay attention to the little blessings that surround us. As we notice these tiny doses of grace, let us embrace them with a grateful heart. My personal goal is to practice this strategy well beyond the holiday season and live with an absolutely incurable and life-long condition of gratitude. Will you join me?

A related issue is that one or both partners can become overly "problem focused" when dealing with a persistent set of ongoing relational dilemmas. We are so tuned in to the problem(s) that we are unable to notice possible solutions, or even to be curious about what is different during the times when, for whatever reason, the problem is not a problem. When describing what we view as our partner's negative attributes we tend to use absolute language, such as "You always" or "You never." Such language is rarely accurate.

I started posting a series of questions for couples in early October that can be helpful in improving relationship satisfaction. The next two questions encourage you and your partner to work through these kinds of challenges by imagining and describing the solution. Set aside about 15 minutes to think about your answers and write them down. Then schedule another 15 minutes to have a conversation with each other about your answers. My hope is that this conversation will unveil some new possibilities that had not previously been considered. Good luck!

4. Now - imagine that camera is on while a miracle happens in the middle of the night and the problem you described in Question # 3 simply disappears. What new behaviors between you and your partner would the camera capture if the problem had vanished?

He's almost 15 now, and no longer holds such delusions about us. But in that moment a decade ago, my son believed that his two dads could accomplish anything. Thankfully, he had no idea that it had taken us five hours to do what any decent lesbian with a pocket knife could have finished in 30 minutes.

As parents, we have worked diligently, although imperfectly, to instill positive beliefs in our son, as well as his brother and sister. We, of course, want them to have self-confidence because beliefs are powerful forces that invariably shape the choices we make in life and in relationships.

What are the unworkable beliefs that prevent you from reaching your full potential in life and in love? How do you limit yourself? Do you sometimes tell yourself you are not smart enough, attractive enough, thin enough, young enough, or wealthy enough to find happiness or a life with meaning and purpose?

If so, that's most likely not your own voice you are listening to. It may be the shaming voice of a parent that you've internalized. It may be the condemning words of your church growing up. It may come from the harmful criticism and contempt you endured during an abusive relationship. Whatever their sources, begin examining and deconstructing those faulty beliefs so that you can halt any acts of self-violence and begin living a life with more peace, hope, authenticity and abundance.

Rather than waste precious energy on self-doubt and worry, it is my sincere hope that you will make more time for your friends, take better care of your elders, play more with your children, listen more to your partner, and say "I love you" every single time you get the chance.

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This week, I ask an important question inspired from my experience doing couples therapy. When couples come into my office for the first time they invariably launch into a litany of concerns about the other and a barrage of requests (or demands) that the other change his or her behaviors. It is perhaps human nature to assume that uncomfortable or problematic issues in a relationship are caused by the other person's poor choices, attitudes, or ways of acting. We almost never stop to reflect upon ourselves first. So this week's question is:

2. In what ways do you aspire to be a better partner to the one you love? Name two or three areas that you would like to personally improve. Now - write down concrete action steps for the next month that will help you move just one notch closer to becoming that person.

Here are the instructions for sharing these answers with each other, in case you missed them last week:

Good luck and please let me know what the experience of answering this question was like for the two you.