Don Sherfick

With nothing better to do on a cloudy afternoon - any comments?

Filed By Don Sherfick | November 28, 2007 5:00 PM | comments

Filed in: Entertainment
Tags: grammar

So as not to take up valuable space and let you quickly pass by to the next contributor with undoubtedly more weighty matters, I'll just say: Follow me past the jump if you're bored like I am.

Glad you made it.

I've started to blog on several things today but can't seem to get in the groove, so I've scanned some of the other contributions and have become obsessed (it doesn't take much) with a feature the Moveable Type blogging software that powers this site has that is stressing me out (that doesn't take much, either).

Ever notice that when somebody posts but nobody has yet commented, you see a little "0 Comments" after it? Then when someone does comment it changes to "1 comments"? OUCH, that's like running fingernails across a blackboard to me. The good nun who taught me how to diagram sentences and practice making sure my verbs and nouns all agreed would freak out and make us all say four rosaries before we could go to recess for such a grammatical sin.

Once the number gets to 2 and above, including times when it tries to divide a finite number by zero, creating a massive overload (as in trans-inclusive/exclusive ENDA pieces), everything is fine, and Sister would settle for a couple of Hail Mary's at the most.

But "1 comments"? Unforgiveable.

Just as a sanity check, I typed some sentence in Microsoft WORD to see what the grammar-checker would do.

It liked "1 comments"; it didn't much care for "1 comments".
It liked "2 comments"; it thought "2 comment" sucked.

But then WORD liked BOTH "0 comment" and "0 comments". I substituted both "Zero" and "No" and the same thing happened.

So I know that at least Bill Gates knows how to deal matching a singular number with a singular noun in his Office software. I know our tech guru Jerame Davis will mutter something about not being able to do anything on TPB because he doesn't have the source code. I'd recommend that Sister give him Five Our Fathers to say for his penance, but I don't think he's Catholic.

Well, if nobody else will, I'm going to go back through all prior posts on this site and where only one person has commented, I will say something to make it two, at least. It may take a while. But I will sleep better at night once I know TBP gets a perfect grade for impeccable English.

And as a bonus, the number of hits to TBP will increase accordingly. My TBP mentor Bil thinks that's a good thing, too.

As to Sister whats-her-name, probably just a smug: "No Comment, Bless You".

(Bet you won't be lured into going past the jump for a one-liner again!)

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Oh, Don, what would we do without you?

Oh, no! It says "1 comments" on the front page! Uh, er, um, PENIS!

This post was genuinely more interesting than stories about a DC prostitute playing coy with a DC blogger or how Oprah has more street cred than Streisand!!


I've bitched about that too, Don. :) I guess that makes us both grammar nazis.

But as an FYI - you did it again. *grins* You spelled Jerame's name as Jarame. You do that every time! I'm guessing J's not going to respond to you until you spell his name correctly. LOL

Bil: You're right, although at first I didn't think so, because when I typed out your other half's first name I was conscious that in the past, I think, I've spelled it "Jeramie", and you had corrected me. Something genetic in my brain cells, I think, and I don't own the source code to that software, either. My profound apologies.

So, after writing "J-E-R-A-M-E" on Sister's blackboard 500 times, perhaps when I reboot my cranial CPU it will have lasting effect. He doesn't need to respond, anyway, since as MY penance for doing that cancelled out the five Our Fathers that had been assigned to him. Such a bargain, even if he's NOT Catholic. (But if he is I've got this super discount deal on plenary indulgences. Have him call me.)

Don: Last time I talked to Jerame, he told me about a webpage programming language called PHP, and I've been learning it.

I think I'm good enough now that I could write a PHP program that would scan the webpage HTML code right before it gets sent to the client browser and replace the character strings "0 comments" and "1 comments" with the strings "Be first to comment!" and "1 comment", respectively. Wouldn't that be neat? To compensate my time, could you and Jerame raise, between the two of you, a mere $100,000,000,000,000,000?

Oh, wait ... that's a typo.

Maybe I need to get the "zero" key on my laptop unstuck first, huh? ... and I'll even sing "Ave Maria" ...

[PS: Don't rely on the Microsoft Word auto-correct features too much ... a famous, and absolutely true, story is that a previous version of the MS-Word spellchecker would automatically change the word "pentium" to "penis" --- and take my "WORD" for it, if you enjoy being able to walk, you don't want to bottom for a guy with a 1.8 gigaHertz penis.]