Bil Browning

Skull and Bones

Filed By Bil Browning | March 26, 2008 2:35 PM | comments

Filed in: Entertainment
Tags: horror movies, movies, scary movies, Skull and Bones

I don't usually do movie reviews for the site. I'm horrible about watching movies; I have to be in just the right mood for that type of flick.

zack_justin_lg.jpgFirst, let me apologize to T.S. Slaughter who has diligently kept at me to review his gay horror flick Skull and Bones: A Tale of HOMOcidal Mania. As the writer and director, he's understandably eager to garner some earned media. I dropped the ball on timeliness; I usually only watch horror movies around Halloween. Easter? Not so much. There's always The Passion of the Christ for that.

However, I think Slaughter owes me an apology too. Skull and Bones has to be the worst damned movie ever made. Ever. Their website says Slaughter is hard at work on Skull and Bones II and Skull and Bones III. God help us all.

I tried really, really hard to find some redeeming quality in the film. I did. Jerame and I watched it together; he thought it was even worse than I did. Every three minutes he'd stop and ask, "Why in the hell are we watching this? Did they pay you?! No? They should."

Maybe they paid Senator Larry Craig who's featured on the back of the packaging with this endorsement:

"A macabre yet thought-provoking exploration of class in America's system of higher education. Gay, straight or questioning, everyone should see this movie."

Yeah. Larry Craig thinks it's a great movie. Need I say more?

This film takes the stereotype of the gay serial killer(s) to a new level. The description from the sleeve lets you know right away that this isn't a flick GLAAD is going to nominate for an award anytime soon.

Gay sex buddies Nathan and Justin are united by their passion for slasher, vigilante, serial killer and zombie films. Bored and frustrated with their lives as students at an obscure college in impoverished New Haven, Connecticut, they decide to teach a self-important straight classmate, Andy, a lesson by raping him. The drug-fueled incident goes awry and Andy dies.

High on the thrill of their first killing, Nathan and Justin decide to pay a visit to nearby Ivy University to wreak more havoc on the elite campus. At a bar they encounter a group of four Ivies, including a hunky football player, Brooks, and one curiously flirtatious singer, Chad. Drunk to oblivion, the Ivies put down Nathan and Justin for being losers and brag about being future world leaders: they have been chosen to join the most selective of Ivy's secret societies, Skull and Bones - just like George W. Bush.

With humiliation added to their rage, the resentful duo decides to kidnap the Ivy men one by one. What follows is a harrowing and bloody tale of homo-cidal mania featuring a climatic ending sure to get a rise out of anyone with the balls to watch.

I have to admit, I didn't have "the balls to watch." I shut the damn thing off halfway through and called it an experience I never want to repeat. It wasn't because I was scared of the blood and guts. The acting scared me more than anything in the film.

Michael Burke as Justin was by far the worst. Chad and Nathan came in tied for third, but the guy playing the Ivy employee was clearly reading his lines. Hell, I wouldn't want to remember anything from the movie either though, so I guess I'll give him a pass.

zack_coffin_lg.jpgThe film tries to work in soft-core porn with the rape scenes and each victim (that I saw) was sexually tortured before being dispatched. The first victim alone was sodomized with more produce than my local Kroger stocks over the weekend. A baseball bat makes an appearance - covered in lube, of course. A snake is involved.

The movie plays straight into the stereotypes of queers as demented individuals bent on seducing straight, upstanding men into a deviancy that ultimately leads to death and destruction. As a gay man, I was offended that this Lil Black Sambo portrayal is even being offered to gay media for review. We're shown as motivated solely by our sex drives. We're the awful, horrible boogeyman that will steal your man and slit his throat.

I want my time back. I could have been working on the site, eating a snack or even picking my nose - all three would have been time better spent than watching this senseless drivel.

I'll use the film in a future giveaway package. I pity the winner.

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Sorry, being a lesbian, I wouldn't want it, though I have to admit to a weakness for bad horror films. They are so much fun to sit around with friends and make up new dialogue, laugh at the scenes that are lame, etc.

I thought I'd share this review of the movie from HomoMojo. It's really funny - he talks about some of the things I was going to - like the shit covered ass - but decided not to since I didn't like the movie anyhow. His paragraph on the acting will crack you up.

"I've heard better dialogue in silent movies. Oh yes."

T.S. Slaughter responded to the charges of making a Sambo movie in his comments section.

lol From the amount of "good" reviews he's been posting at homomojo and on my blog, where I doubleposted the review, I was beginning to think I was alone in my revulsion.

Wow, Bil, I think this review was meaner than any I've ever given!