Cathy Renna

I am done, and so begins my new life as an ex-lesbian

Filed By Cathy Renna | April 01, 2008 7:55 AM | comments

Filed in: Entertainment, Marriage Equality
Tags: April Fool's, ex-gay, Peter LaBarbera

With my 43rd birthday looming like the iceberg that took the Titanic, I made a very important decision this morning. I am done. This whole lesbian thing is just too stressful. I guess Peter LaBarbera was always right; I just hadn't met the right man. I actually suspect he thought he was that man, but thank goodness it's not. Even if I do like blondes more, but for some reason I think I would end up with more in common with Mrs. Larry Craig than Mrs. Chuck Norris, if ya know what I mean.

I am much more interested in a Keanu Reeves type. I might not be a dyke anymore but I am not giving up my clothes and I think we could share wardrobes. I am sure she is a 36 short too. If I am really lucky he's a size 7 shoe.

I'd love to stop having to dedicate my time to fighting the much better funded (and of course well-intentioned) groups like Focus on the Family. I think it's time to focus on me! Plus, I am guessing they'll pay more than all these LGBT clients, right? I bet they would love to have Renna Communications as their agency of record and that Sally Kern hasn't gotten nearly the attention she deserves.

Don't get me wrong, I love my wife and child but the stress of all the extra hoops we need to jump through doesn't feel worth it any more. I have to adopt my own child, for god's sake! OK, so I didn't give birth and I have been fully committed and responsible for her the past two years in partnership with my "wife", but I guess it's all true, I am not really her mother, so why should I take all that responsibility and time? Frankly, I think the idea of snagging a man in Vegas over the weekend and getting a quickie marriage after a hot weekend sounds fun. Anyone know if Keanu is in Sin City any time soon?

And so I bid adieu to my friends, family (annoyingly and increasingly supportive of my gay lifestyle anyway, so I'll save a bundle on birthday and Chritsmas presents) and my colleagues. But if any of you have a change of heart too, I bet there will be a few job available at the firm if you are interested.

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Well thank goodness! Once I graduate from the Exodus program, perhaps I can ask you on a date?

I know for certain my shoe size is a ladies 7...

Wait, here they come with the electroshock againnnn...

April Fools! hahahahahahah

Once you start dating Keanu, can I come stay the night at your place often? *grins*

Bil, you're not being very supportive of Cathy's choice. Shame!

Waymon, I'm so sad you've decided that Cathy is the best ex-lesbian in the bunch. I so thought I had you to myself! That's OK . . . I don't mind sharing. ;^)

I'll have to check with my ex-gay sponsor, Ted Haggard, but I think threesomes are out of the question, Serena. It's a slippery slope.

Cathy, This one earns a 6, even though I knew better from the beginning. Dr. Phil says you'll go back.

John R. Selig | April 2, 2008 5:36 AM

Can we expect an appearance oh the esteemed Dr,. Laura's radio show anytime soon?