Monica Roberts

I'm Sellin' Out

Filed By Monica Roberts | April 01, 2008 2:54 AM | comments

Filed in: Entertainment, Politics, Transgender & Intersex
Tags: Condoleezza Rice, conservatism, Fox News, Monica Roberts, Republican

Projectors, I have an announcement to make.

Today I'm changing my voter registration to Republican and joining the ever expanding ranks of freethinkng Black people rushing to get off the Democrat plantation.

We African-Americans have always been conservative, and I'm tired of fighting for people that won't take responsibility for their own lives, including you whiny butt transgender people, and not getting paid for it.

I've been in negotiations with News Corporation and I'm pleased to announce that I will become a contributor to various Fox News programs as their expert on the Homosexual Agenda. I will also be leaving Bilerico and starting my new syndicated conservative column on Monday. I'm on the verge of finalizing a book deal with Regnery Publishing to write an expose on the transgender rights movement..

So I'll have to give up my Black Like Me card. Big deal. Clarence Thomas, Ken Blackwell and Condolleeza Rice are doing wonderfully well for themselves. What did the black communty, much less the transgender communty, ever do for me except give me grief?

That reminds me, I need to return those calls from Project 21 and the High Impact Leadership Coalition. They've been asking me for information about the transgender community and I'm being paid a nice consulting fee for it..

I'm ready to start rocking designer suits, have Prada purses filled with cash and wear Ferragamo pumps. Oh yeah, that reminds me, my mentor Condi and I are going shoe shopping in New York next week.

I'm leaving my open and affirming church to attend a real Bible believing one that won't tolerate your liberal America-hating family destroying agenda. With the advance check I just got from News Corporation, I have enough cash to not only get that Beemer I had my eye on last week and move back to Texas, I'm gonna do some surgical tune-ups on my body before I make my first television appearance on The O'Reilly Factor. .

I've also had discussions with the Log Cabin Republicans about becoming the first African-American transgender Republican delegate. They're already clearing a spot for me in the Kentucky Republican Party delegation if i want it, and they've hinted that they may give me a prime time speaking slot at the convention in Minneapolis.

So farewell, Projectors. This freethinking sistah is going back home to the Party of Lincoln.

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"Oh yeah, that reminds me, my mentor Condi and I are going shoe shopping in New York next week."

Do you and Condi have an extra ticket to Spamalot? :)

Could you pick me up some Prada while you're out with Condi?

Monica, I just heard the Great News! You're engaged!

I want to be the first to wish the future Mrs. Keyes that I hope you and Alan have a Wonderful Life Together!

Just remember that the cornerstone of a conservative, heterosexual marriage --- that is, a real marriage --- is total honesty. Don't pull any surprises on him --- you wouldn't do that, now, would you, Monica?

I'm so happy! You deserve each other!

You really do!

Praise the Lord and pass the Oreos!

It's not selling out, Monica. it's buying in.

Ah, yes. So begins my long and tedious trek through the Bilerico April 1st postings. I'm sure you all spent an entire year waiting to post these. Can't wait for Midnight . . . in the Garden of Good and Evil.

If Monica Roberts changed parties, and it wasn't April 1st, I would swear I fell into an alternate universe.

On a scale of 1 to 10, this posting ranks a soft 2. Let's see how the next one does.