Steve Ralls

He Strikes a Pose; There's Nothing To It

Filed By Steve Ralls | July 15, 2008 12:00 PM | comments

Filed in: Entertainment, Entertainment, Entertainment, Entertainment, Marriage Equality
Tags: Christopher Ciccone, Madonna

"You're not half the man you think you are. Save your words because you've gone too far."

Ciccone.jpgNow comes the story of poor Christopher Ciccone, ex-communicated prince of her Madge-sty's queendom. His axe is ground and his pen flails wildly, but his bitterness is surely far worse than his bite.

Proving that a Gaultier cone bra and riding crop can cast a very long shadow indeed, Mr. Ciccone has been spotted of late running through the Freudian forests of of his mind and cashing in on his sibling's success in a last-ditch attempt to become his very own one-name wonder.

The much-hyped "tell-all" from the gay brother of the world's most famous woman was excerpted in Sunday's London Mirror and it reads (if one can use the term in its most liberal sense) like a psychological case study in fabulous envy.

"My bizarre life with Madonna," as the paper's headline screamed, includes allegations of marital discord, conniving rabbis, interior decorating schemes gone awry, same-sex make out sessions with one Ms. Paltrow and, of course, allegations of a jealous husband's homophobia.

What it doesn't include, however, is any sign that Ciccone has a clue about why his sister, as he says she once told him, is who or what she is. But it offers plenty of evidence that the bizarre life is very much his own.

Virginia Woolf Mr. Ciccone is not, though the reader will be left to wonder if he hasn't earned a certain sort of (padded) room of his very own.

Consider, for example, his fax screed to Madonna, reprinted in all its glory:

You have never in the entire time I have worked for you since 1985 paid me even close to what I was worth. I gave up my life to help make you the evil queen you are today. Fifteen years listening to your bitching, egotistical rantings, mediocre talent and a lack of taste that would stun the ages.

Every ounce of talent you have, you have sucked dry from me and the people around you. I certainly never worked for you for the money, now you accuse me of lying and cheating you. You've got some nerve.

You have lost all sense of reality. I always thought that one day you'd see my worth and behave accordingly, but you never did. A little respect was all I ever wanted from you, and you couldn't even manage that.

The word 'I,' 'me' and 'my' appear a whopping eleven times, proving, as he told Good Morning America on Monday, that this isn't a look at the life of Madonna, it's about "me."

And really, in the end, it's all about the fact that it hasn't been about him at all.

"It's basic envy," psychoanalyst and family therapist Bethany Marshall told about why Ciccone has written a book about his famous sister. "When we feel envious, we want to destroy the object of our envy and bring them down, so we don't have that reminder that we are missing out on something we want."

"If he was on the Madonna gravy train and she cut him off, he could feel like he's going to get his no matter what, one way or the other," Marshall said. "When people operate at primitive levels and get their feelings hurt or nose out of joint, they always want the other person to pay for making them feel neglected or like a failure."

Primitive, indeed.

What Ciccone fails to realize is that it is not his sister's marriage, or her religion, or her choice in over-priced landscape paintings that has led her to where she is. It is her sheer will, and determination, to knock aside roadblocks like this that get in her way. It's her tenacity, her sensuality and, above all, her smarts that have gotten her here.

And it may be those smarts, in the end, that will be Prince Christopher's greatest enemy, too. "Madonna," Albert Lee of US Weekly told ABC, "has a long memory." And it is her brother's words that the world - but not Mrs. Ritchie - will soon forget.

Christopher Ciccone might strike a pose, but there's nothing to it. There's more important things than hearing him speak.

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Is that Jesse Jackson in the background with Madonna? Don't tell me he's dissing her now, too!

Have I mentioned lately that I absolutely love your Madonna-related witticisms?

Wait, who hooked you up with an advance copy, Steve? I need to learn the ways of the master....

There isn't enough money in the world that would get me to stand between Steve and Madonna.