Storm Bear

The True Story Of Jesse Helms That No One Believes

Filed By Storm Bear | July 05, 2008 2:30 AM | comments

Filed in: Politics
Tags: gay cartoons and comics, humorous blog post, Jesse Helms, memorial, webcomics

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What I am getting ready to tell you is a true story about my run-in with then Senator Jesse Helms.

I used to have a film production office in Raleigh, North Carolina - two careers ago. I had the top corner office and the exact opposite corner of the building was Senator Helms' reelection campaign HQ. I never went in, but I did walk by a few times and it was just a few people at their desks typing and making phone calls.

One day I was heading to the restroom and entered a stall. No, there were no hand gestures.

A few seconds later Jesse Helms came in - his voice was very recognizable. Jesse entered the stall next to me and took a massive, juicy, explosive dump.

Now, this should be a common tale but here is where it gets damn odd. While Jesse was evacuating his lower bowels with the robustness of a timpani drum, he was singing "What A Friend I Have In Jesus."

Mouth agape, I couldn't pry my ears away from the horror of it all. The cacophony was something to witness with the cool help of Kentucky bourbon. Unfortunately, I was stone cold sober.

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Jesus is the shit. Apparently. I guess...

Robert Ganshorn Robert Ganshorn | July 6, 2008 2:15 AM

Maybe he had just got funding from Jerry Falwell!

Maybe the poop was what was controlling him and he was really a hand puppet?

Maybe he was so insecure about using a public facility that this was his way of avoiding a Larry Craig type mistake. After all, he did wake up each morning thinking how wonderful he was and who would not want him?

Maybe he forgot the words to "Dixie!" :)