Father Tony

$10 sex you will never forget

Filed By Father Tony | September 11, 2008 2:00 PM | comments

Filed in: Living
Tags: anonymous sex, recreational sex

I read about you first on Joe.my.god and now more regularly on Bilerico. I visited your farmboyz blog today and read "The Pepsi Challenge".
I am surely dense on this but can you tell me what is that "a favorite turnstile venue" ? A name and/or address too :)

tank u
bão - to keep, to hold, to embrace
phác - natural, innocent, simple

Dear bão phác,

If I were to provide you with the requested name and address, you would not be able "to keep, to hold, to embrace" your "natural, innocent, simple" self for much longer. And besides, the road to pleasure should not be made too accessible.

Instead, I would like to advise you about casual/recreational sex to be had at venues that charge admission (And I don't know who decided that $10 is the price of admission to an anonymous sexual romp but that seems to be the case almost anywhere in the world.)

I promise sufficiently lurid detail to either make you discard the possibility or to purchase a ticket to your nearest big city because every big city has one or more of these places. Unlike bath houses, these places, sometimes entered through a turnstile, are gloomy mazes in which the attendees remain clothed and may couple in small booths or cubicles, or may form spontaneous groups surrounded by voyeurs in corners or hallways. There is usually loud music or video-porn and not much talking. The attendees are of all different types. Look in the mirror, each of you, and what you see will be there.

Ladies, do not think that this will be of interest exclusively to men. I have personally seen cis and trans people of every direction, age and chromosomal coding have sex at these places, and were it not for my attendance, I would probably not be able to say that I have gotten down with a broader spectrum of sex-seeking adults than just the usual handsome, muscular, hung, young garden variety biological male with whom I seem doomed to be frequently seated at the tables of sex.

(A few years ago, at the reception following the commitment ceremony of two lesbians of Port Jefferson, New York, I had a conversation with a very attractive lesbian in which I described having sex in a pile of oriental rugs at Macy's during shopping hours. I said that I assumed that women would find this odd because they are less inclined to unlink sex and love, and that the dynamics of female sex make it less easy to have "on the fly". She upbraided me for these opinions and had a few great stories to prove me wrong. I have since learned not to make assumptions, period.)

You heard me right, folks. Ten bucks got me into some wild/crazy/comical sexual tableaux with women and trans folks, sometimes with audiences and the participation of their spouses, boyfriends and girlfriends. I am terrifically glad to have had those experiences. Therein, I sometimes learned more about human nature in five minutes than I have in decades spent in other classrooms.

I know that many of you will never go where I have been (but bão phác probably will), and that many of you will stand in stiff-necked judgment about anonymous sex. You will talk about self-respect and communicable disease and all manner of self-righteousness. Won't you quiet your impulses for a moment while I give bão phác ten rules that will help him find happiness and keep healthy?

1) Don't leave home without condoms, lube, hand-sanitizer and mouthwash. Many guys carry knapsacks or messenger bags containing these things. Others, like me, who prefer to be unencumbered, stuff these things in their socks.

2) Don't bring your cell phone or digital camera. If you place or receive a telephone call while having sex with a stranger (and I've seen this too many times) he has the right to snatch your phone and stomp on it while singing that recent Donna Summer song. You deserve this retribution.

3) Do not enter these places if you are drugged or drunk. If ever there was a place where you must have your wits about you, this is it. If you need drugs or alcohol to get up the nerve to enter this kind of situation, stay home. You will be compromised, victimized, unattractive and soon filled with regrets.

4) Smile and keep a pleasant demeanor. You are there to have fun. This can be difficult given the fact that these places are rather dismal in décor and are never lighted or cleaned to hospital standards. When you feel your spirits flagging, go home, even if you've done nothing blogworthy. No one likes a woeful desperado.

5) Carefully construct your personal safe or safer sex rules and adhere to them. (This is why rule #3 is important.) I am always astonished when a stranger about to have sex with me asks me if I'm "clean" which I assume to be code for HIV-. Why on earth should he assume that I, a total stranger, will be truthful and then proceed to entrust me with his health? This stupidity is an immediate turn-off as are all offers of unsafe sex and/or "partying". Personally, I always and simply suppose that everyone I have sex with is HIV+, and my interaction should follow that suit. I find all sorts of lines drawn by guys who have constructed personal rules. Most will avoid exchanging body fluids. Some will allow themselves oral but not anal sex. Others will allow themselves anal sex with protection. Some will not kiss. Some will ask for nothing more than mutual masturbation. Some of the most creative and sexy guys will keep you at more than arm's length while spinning out a verbal fantasy while you both disrobe and manipulate your own respective parts as you layer on the mutually generated vocals. I highly recommend this because it is so extremely safe and can take your personal fantasies into new and surprising neighborhoods. It will also serve to teach you that real sex resides in your head, not in your crotch. My point is that you should never let another person set your safety rules.

6) Be prepared to accept rejection and be prepared to administer rejection politely. If, after several visits, you've gotten only rejection, don't come back. There is probably something about your appearance or behavior that makes this type of venue inappropriate for you.

7) Do not let this type of sex rule your life. Do not let it take the place of romantic sex. Do not let it usher you away from the possibility of love. Do not do it compulsively or unhappily. Do not lie about it with your partner or spouse.

8) You will inevitably see someone you know. Perhaps a friend or the spouse/partner of a friend who does not want it known that he is in such a place. Unless he approaches you, make believe he is invisible, and do not tell anyone that you saw him. The jar of secrets I keep within my heart is overflowing with these sorts of encounters. And don't get me started on the vast number of married or partnered men I have seen in these places, and how that has colored my thoughts about the sex and monogamy. That's for another day. Also, expect to see some celebrities. Do not chat them up. They are there seeking the same thing you are seeking. Allow them anonymity (unless they are elected officials who vote against the LGBT community, in which case, break rule #2 and get the incriminating evidence.)

9) Allow the performer in you to bloom. When a guy is in heat, he is gullible in ways that ordinarily would provoke his suspicions. Be imaginative. In these venues, you who are in real life a part-time accountant for a textbook distributor while living with your parents can become a grisly truck driver or a fireman with Brooklyn accent or a silver-haired billionaire CEO. You can be "straight" and married with kids (a favorite fantasy for many, and a script that I have consequently fine-tuned. I couple it with my cop-from-New Jersey schtik.), or, you can beg some daddy to treat you like the bad little girl you really are. There is no fantasy so outré that it won't find at least one taker. Give this some effort and the rewards will surprise you. Sometimes, the fantasies you safely enact in these types of places are ones that you would never unleash when you are with your partner or spouse. You should not feel guilty about this. But if you attend these venues with your partner or spouse, and if you get separated at some point in the evening, and if you find yourself alone in a cubicle with a young Cuban pastry chef who has encouraged you in your role as a verbally abusive English magistrate with bare toes that must be sucked, you should expect that your partner or spouse is nearby, listening to every word and stifling laughter.

10) Never attempt to perform oral sex while chewing gum. If you turn my crotch into a tangled and sticky blue mess, you will know my wrath.

And so, bão phác, I find that I have not answered your question but I have answered the one you should have asked. Please be careful and love yourself extremely well.

Devotedly yours,
Father Tony

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You defiled the carpet department at Macy's?!! I always knew you were one hot guy!

Concerning #5: you have experience of these places and I have not, but where I go for sexual adventures, "clean" means cleaned out as in having had an enema before bottoming.

This is an awesome list, Father Tony. I found myself laughing at many parts because I found them to be so on point. Cheers!

This was a fascinating glimpse into a world I have never known. What sound and safe advice you have offered. Anyone considering this avenue will be well-armed with proper expectations for the experience. I especially appreciate the honor and honesty you promote. Well done, Father Tony.

This list should be published at the door of every sex club and bath house in America.

The most unexpected fact about these places is that they are so not conducive to anal sex. Even guys who have that in mind find the logistics daunting and most of them end up doing something else. So, in an unintentional way, they facilitate if not encourage safer sex. (This is not to say that I haven't seen any anal sex in these places. It certainly does happen. But it is not logistically championed. )

Robert Ganshorn Robert Ganshorn | September 12, 2008 5:34 AM

Please, can't we talk about fashion? :)

Cell phones! I still don't have one!

Get with the 21st century, Alex!

Brynn Craffey Brynn Craffey | September 12, 2008 6:12 PM

Excellent rules, Father Tony!!

It's been ages since I visited a bath house, and I've never actually had sex in one, but your rules make me wonder if I shouldn't venture forth again, for the voyeuristic value if nothing else!

(megablush - now i need a hug)

Thank you Father Tony although I didn't plan on seeing my case in an article. Now to scrub the Google cache.

I have to confess I haven't done the preparations you have outlined but I have been to bathhouses when I was younger. They just didn't have turnstiles in Montreal (city with the most gay bathhouses per population).

I should ask more precisely next time :)