Robert Ganshorn

Coming Out and the Revolving Door

Filed By Robert Ganshorn | October 11, 2008 9:00 AM | comments

Filed in: Living, The Movement
Tags: coming out of the closet

In most of my childhood, I felt extreme loneliness, even when with those who loved me. robertG.jpgIt is possible when you are desperate to believe two opposed ideas when the outcome gives pleasure beyond all that you had ever known. Any justification makes sense if the result is pleasure.

In the body of the average twelve year old boy lays a bottomless pit of unquenched desire for pleasure denied. When my younger cousin, also twelve, came to me with the desire to service my pleasure it began a very discreet four year affair. As we lived in neighboring towns it could only be fulfilled on weekends but, as our parents were godparents to us both, we saw one another every weekend. He knows that he initiated the affair, just as he later ended it in favor of the woman who would become his first wife. Yet, as we could love, we were puppy dog in love with one another.

"Was this a phase?" I asked myself when it ended in 1969.

And there the most precious part of my life ended- and tears were shed by me alone. Life became a pursuit of getting out and going to college. It was there after one year I "came out" in 1972 in a political manner. This meant that, sexually, I was poison to my fellow classmates and would remain so for as long as I was a political Gay man in Lafayette, Indiana. It was only off campus that I dared have social friends.

If I had not had the gift of being Gay I would have mindlessly followed my family into the pit of union factory work. I have no regrets for wanting out to become myself.

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Thanks for sharing this with all of us, Robert.

And nice picture! :)

Robert Ganshorn Robert Ganshorn | October 12, 2008 4:27 AM

It is better than the one you recommended :)

Robert Ganshorn Robert Ganshorn | October 12, 2008 10:54 AM

The worst thing for me at Purdue was losing straight friends I thought of as rock solid friends who were too threatened to have me as a friend after my coming of age. They, along with the closeted Gay students equally, avoided me like the plague.

I have only the utmost respect for the members of the community who came out long before coming out was cool, so to speak.

I remember back in about 78 or so, working at the print shop for the Texas Employment Commision as a temporary, where one of the pressmen was openly gay. The crap he had to put up from the other workers there was just sickening. I think I was just about the only one there who was in the least ways friendly to him.

Little did I know that I would face similiar harrasment close to thirty years later from some of my fellow workers when I came out at Dell as trans.

they called me brave, but it is you who have come before who are really brave.

Even though you wouldn't know good satire if it bit you on the ass! ;-)

Robert Ganshorn Robert Ganshorn | October 11, 2008 10:43 PM

You could well be right about satire. It is a part of my brain I am still trying to develop. Presently I am reading Nick Hornby's book "A Long Way Down" which is a best seller, called "masterful by Johnny Dep, referred to as his best novel to date (written in 2000) by various English reviewers.

Zzzzzzzzz, Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

Great story. I can't imagine how some people, even thirty years later, still can't take that leap into freedom.