John Shields

Do'in The Math on Tax Day

Filed By John Shields | April 15, 2009 1:00 PM | comments

Filed in: Living, Living, Living, Marriage Equality, Politics

It's April 15th again. You know what that means? I'm gay, I can't get married to my husband (in the eyes of Uncle Sam), and I'm getting taxed without any representation because I live in "The District."

What the frik'? Or is that frak'? Whatever. I'm on my annual rant and rave about gays, taxes and living in "The District," so hang on.

Where to start? Before I begin my tirade, a few basic pieces of background. Which of the three first? Hmmm... Let's start with gay...

To get into the mood, even when doing taxes, you gotta keep it gay. So, no matter how much I want to scream, I'm gonna keep it gay in this section.

My accountant says if me and my wonderfully geeky architect husband were "married, filing jointly" we would get more than $6000 back. Since we're not - and can't - we have to PAY the federal government. Where's that in the frikkin' American Constitution?

Alright, back to keeping it gay. I guess we'll just pay our taxes and be all quiet now, except for that wonderful Hollywood musical or Broadway theater production all us queers are producing. Hit them with a tray!

And, while we are on the subject - why should I - as a gay man who barely acts my age and cannot physically have children (or, by law, in a handful of states adopt...) - why should I care about what the environment or the planet or what the frikkin' ice cap is going to do to my (non)children?

More importantly, why does the LGBTQ community care (generally) more about the planet's survival than the soccer moms and hockey dads? WTF is up with that?

Moving onwards, in my tax day tantrum...

Who or what started the frikkin' marriage deduction? And when? It's not that I don't care about schools, the environment and the future. But, in the eyes of federal law, I'm single. No kids. Sorry, planet, you'll have to fend for yourself. Us single people, those that actually care about the air that we breathe and the water that we drink, aren't going to have kids~! And yet we care, apparently, more than the average Christian family in the south do. What, are we frikkin' crazy?

Since we're Domestic Partners in The District, but not in the eyes of Uncle Sam, we had to file - get this - a "dummy return" before we could file our DC return. Just to get what any straight married couple would have received in the District of Columbia.

And that, by the way, is a lot more than you would think. District residents pay more in federal taxes than nearly half the frikkin' states. Speaking of that, estimates so far indicate that in 2007, residents and businesses in our nation's capital paid more than $20 billion in federal taxes. That's more than 19 states, and the highest federal taxes per capita in the nation. We may be just a "district" OF and IN the United States of America, but we're the only "district" or "territory" that pays federal taxes. Without any representation~! Where's my frikkin' tea bag? ...

As for living in The District, first off ~ for those that don't know: we "residents" of the district pay more than our fair share of income taxes, and yet we don't have any frikkin' representation in Congress. Everyone in The District knows that. But we don't frikkin' count! Even our dear friend and representative Eleanor Holmes-Norton, who so eloquently speaks for our city, doesn't get a vote in Congress.

Ok, I'm still frikkin' pissed off regarding tax day. Gay, domestic partnered but not married (not that that would affect my frikkin' federal taxes at all) and I'm living in our nation's capital - without any representation.


Ok, I'm off my tax-irade. I think. So time for some more fun, and keeping it gay...

Of all the American holidays, April 15th seems to be the most interesting one. Everyone knows the date - not the day - and most of us abide by it. Here's a weird fun fact that helps me and my husband, same-sex and all, remember it even easier. Pun intended.

It's our 9th anniversary today. How cool is having your anniversary on April 15th? As an American, as well as a gay man, how cool is that? And it's our 9th anniversary - so for you folks with a calculator, that would be 27 "straight" years. That's more than most people can claim, 6-thousand bucks and all.

I'm just do'in the math...

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