Father Tony

When A Challenged Man Wants Casual Sex

Filed By Father Tony | May 21, 2009 10:30 AM | comments

Filed in: Living
Tags: casual sex, gay sex, sex with disabled

Dear Father Tony,

I am a very lonely and sex-starved 23-year-old gay man with mild Tourette Syndrome characterized by motor and facial tics. I repeat, mild tics. I am well aware of the fact that I am different and that most guys will not understand (or even care to understand) my situation. I am fortunate to have a few very good friends. I love them. They keep me sane. I have however given up on romantic love . I can accept my situation as a single man, and I know that there are many lonely men everywhere with all varieties of quirk, but I cannot accept the fact that sex is off limits to me unless I pay for it. I want everyone to know (anonymously) how humiliating it is for a man like me (young, hung and in excellent shape) to have to pay an escort for sex. The humiliation is compounded by the obvious discomfort of some of those paid escorts. I have only two regulars who put me at ease and actually build my self-confidence.

To be clear, I want casual anonymous sex. I agree with what you have written about the dangers of online hookups and I will not jeopardize even the safety of my home, let alone my person. I live in a city with opportunities: a bathhouse, sex clubs and other establishments that facilitate sex but I have had the expected bad times at these places because of how I present. There are also ample online group sex parties held in private homes. My one experience with these was a disaster. The host asked me to leave. Again, I just want to be treated as the normal attractive young gay male that you would see in a still photo of me.

Letter continues after the jump.

My doctors tell me that I may outgrow this condition. I have avoided medication because of the side effects. I have a running joke with them that if it doesn't clear up soon, it won't matter.

My predicament is worsened by the fact that I am sometimes approached by unattractive men who are willing to overlook my tics because they can't score with anyone else. That is sometimes the most frustrating and depressing part of a night out. I actually welcome the occasional mercy-fuck. Is there some secret to my getting well and often laid that you know? My doctors are no help with this. Am I always to be relegated to pornography and masturbation?

On Shaky Ground.

Dear OSG,

There are some questions to which I know the answer in a flash. This is not one of them. Also, the direct intensity of your letter prohibits my approaching your problem with humor. My disadvantage is compounded by the fact that I have never had sex (to my knowledge) with a Tourette Syndrome man, nor have I ever watched one have sex alone or with others. Another difficulty is the fact that I don't know how your tics manifest themselves. I am guessing that even though they are, as you emphasize, mild, they must be off-putting enough to trump your physical attractiveness.

Let's look first at your expectations and decide if they are justified. You want a suitable potential sex partner(s), in an anonymous setting. This does not seem like an outrageous request. You also want him (them) to disregard the curious aspects of your presentation. That may not be realistic.

I am tempted to pause here for a bit of preaching to the men who have turned you down. I'd like to remind them that no man is flawless, and that whenever they discard whole categories of men as not sexy, they risk missing some great sex and, God forbid, romance. I could go on with this, but it won't help get you laid as you say "well and often."

Here is what I think you should try. Make a video of yourself that clearly depicts the extent and manifestation of your Tourette Syndrome. If you decide to attend a sex party in a private home, let your host see that video. (Be sure to include some footage of your dick and the other physical assets you claim to have. Nothing wrong with putting the best foot forward.) Ask the host to disseminate the video among the other men who plan to participate in the event, explaining that the element of surprise is the problem and that sharing the video will disarm it entirely. It seems to me that only a real cad would avoid a sex party just because one of the attendees has up-fronted the fact of his unusual condition. They should be far more afraid of the ordinary appearing men who are not disclosing the fact of their lice, herpes, hepatitis, HIV, etc. Also, seeing the video ahead of time gives the other men time to come to terms with their feelings. I have been to bathhouses in which there were men in wheelchairs and men with palsy (if you'll pardon a non-medical term from someone who is not sure what term might be preferable). At first encounter, most men would avoid having sex with these folks, but I noticed that the regulars grew comfortable with them and easily allowed them to participate in group sex and actually learned to engage in enthusiastic sex that went far beyond the mercy-fuck. You would be surprised at the logistic opportunities afforded by a wheelchair. (I hope I have not insulted you by drawing a parallel between your situation and those men, but the essential dynamic: common nervous hesitance when confronted by something different or inexplicably "odd" is the same.)

I have a second strategy that you might deploy in a bathhouse or sex club. When you spy a group of guys that interests you, boldly walk right up to them and with a sly smile say "You guys look incredibly hot. I have Tourette Syndrome. Please don't freak. It's not contagious. OK if I stay for a minute?" I can't imagine them saying no. The key here is not to stay too long. You don't want to commandeer the group. You just want to sample it. I guarantee you that if you are as hot as you say you are, at least one of that group will find you for some private play later on. It's really just the breaking of the ice that you need to engineer. Over time, you will develop a roster of regulars.

I hope I run into you someday at one of those venues to see how you are succeeding. Oh, and thanks for the dick shot. You can ticle me Elmo with that thing any time you want.

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Good advice there Father Tony. When I was in my early 20s I became very close to a young man who was athletic and had track medals. He had CP and the only thing that was affected was his mouth so he could not speak and when he ate it could be a bit messy. But he was gorgeous and very sweet. It used to bother me how people would respond to him and avoid him.
I have music student who has studied from me since he was in 3rd grade, and he has always had some ticks etc. He is now a young teen and he uses the fact that he is such a fantastic musician to build a social network. The funny thing is that now he is so much more relaxed in social situations that his ticks are very rare.
I hope that this young man finds his answers and that he finds some people who are human about one another. To some extent I am worried that he said that he does get hit on by unattractive guys and I'm thinking 'maybe they need someone to look beyond that detail'...... just makes you go hmmmmm

As someone who's medicine causes some occasional twitches/tics myself, I'm interested in knowing where this guy is from. :) (And I'd like to see the video too!)

Hmmm. I'm thinking that context may have a lot to do with the response this guy is getting. I have a friend and former f-buddy with mild Tourette's who I met through mutual friends and his twitches and tics never caused a second thought. If I'd met this same friend somewhere "dirty," like a sex club, I'd probably have assumed he was a methed-out tweaker and not wanted anything to do with him.

Which is to say that your advice might do the trick. Knowing that the cute, hung 23-year-old with the tic isn't on drugs but just has Tourette's would get him from zero to hero in my book. ;-)

christophe | May 21, 2009 11:21 AM

In a perfect world he should be able to have anonymous sex if he wants to without people judging him for his handicap, but in the gay world, which is so heavily influenced by looks and appearance i don't think he is going to find what he is looking for. He has obviously tried at a bathhouse with little success and where more anonymity than that? You gave the best advise you could and it definitely changed my view of the situation. Knowing already about this condition I think I could look past it. But if I hadn't read your post and saw him out one night at a bar cruising, I doubt i would approach him if he had these noticeable facial ticks. He would be able to use your advise so much more easily if he were interested in pursuing a sexual relationship with someone. Even if it's just a regular fuck buddy, I think he could succeed. But that isn't what he want's, he wants what he can't have, like so many of us. The grass is always greener on the other side and things look incredible when you don't have them. Usually when you end up getting what you want, you don't want it anymore, but with him, I doubt he will truly ever get what he wants and you can blame that on both society and the gay lifestyle.

Wow, that's a fascinating letter and a great response. Nice job, Mr. T ;)

I hope things work out for him. Too bad you couldn't post the picture...!

Christophe: The ENTIRE world is about looks. Go to a straight singles bar and you will see people being just as judgmental about appearance.

Anyway, good advice, I am impressed. Of course that's assuming all this guy should do is continue seeking anonymous casual sex from complete strangers. Surely it would be simpler to let a few people get to know him just a little bit first - collect a few casual f-buddies that know enough to realize he's not a methed-out tweak.

And in general, why is completely anonymous casual sex something we should feel entitled to...?

christophe | May 21, 2009 3:46 PM

Although I do tend to think the Gay lifestyle places far more emphasis on attractiveness than does the straight world, I couldn't agree with you more on the rest of what you said. I didn't want to come across as too much of a prude by saying he SHOULD BE more focused on finding a relationship with someone, rather than pursue empty meaningless sex, but as you also said, if he were so inclined he could definitely find a person or two so as to have a healthy sex life. But it seems he is only looking for the exciting and dangerous life of anonymous sex.

He might try looking online as well, mitigating some of the safety risks by doing things like meeting in person in public before going to bed. He could put in a profile that he has Tourette syndrome and it causes mild tics. I think if people knew that up front and knew that he wasn't crazy or on drugs, he'd increase his chances. Hell, if people who are morbidly obese can get laid, I don't see why OSG can't, especially since he's pretty hot, from what I'm reading.

Maybe he could also be a writer for Bilerico... I've seen a lot on the Interwebs about diversity in the GLBT community in terms of race, but I rarely see anything about GLBT people with disabilities.

I feel just a bit deprived for not having seen the dick shot.

Bruce W. Coffman | May 21, 2009 3:12 PM

Okay, I was with you and all sympathetic until you started bitching and moaning about the fact that "unattractive men" want to get with you. Uhm... Maybe it's you're attitude and not your condition that makes you undesirable to others. If everyone is supposed to overlook your condition because you're so frigging "hot" and just fall to their knees, perhaps you could get over the fact that not ever man is a perfect 10 and take what you can get like everybody else has to.

Trey Tomorrow | May 21, 2009 4:00 PM

I agree 100%! This guy is complaining that people find him unattractive because of his mild ticks, but then complains that he finds others unattractive. It's no wonder he's not getting laid.

Gzl_markus | May 22, 2009 12:05 AM

Seriously, he comes across with this air of entitlement: "I deserve hot sex partners. However, those unattractive men over there can screw themselves (each other?)."

Anyway, why does our culture tell us casual sex is an expected part of young adulthood? Many people around the world live happy, fulfilled lives without that expectation.

What a great article. I too am sorry you could not post the picture. Still, no mercy (fuck) here...but I would love to be with you.

oh poor thing. Why can't he find anonymous sex with a caring nice guy who is concerned with his feelings and tics as he is looking for anonymous sex cloaked in all of his own judgement? Please. He is doing exactly what he is claiming to be a victim about. Get real. By the way, it wasn't until i moved into a home with a person in a wheelchair before i realized how manipulative they could be. I would not recommend a 4foot9 little fat girl of 18 to go looking for acceptance on a Versace runway either. And before he makes the video, may i suggest he think long and hard. He may become the new circus act on YOUTUBE. Don't put it past people because they can be very mean like that.

I was gonna say what Bruce said, that On Shaky Ground sounds kind of like a looksist snob, so maybe his predicament is just poetic justice.

My predicament is worsened by the fact that I am sometimes approached by unattractive men who are willing to overlook my tics because they can't score with anyone else. That is sometimes the most frustrating and depressing part of a night out.

Oh, poor baby! Pobrecito! Bichette! It must be so tough to have unattractive men make passes at you at bathhouses! At least other gimps aren't doing it too! Imagine how terrible it would be if someone with cp, Parkinson's, or *gasp* overweight hit on you. I don't know how you'd survive the trauma.

Dear Bruce, Trey, Gzl and Alex,

Ordinarily, I'd have joined in with your entirely justifiable snark, but in this instance, I let it pass for two reasons: at 23, he hasn't yet had the nonsense burned out of him because of his youth ( I myself had some regrettable attitudes at that age.), and, as a victim of Tourette Syndrome, he wants desperately to fit in, to have value, to be desirable to the men he desires. I suspect that in his heart, he is not as snooty as he comes off. I'm in the camp of those who complain about their shoes till we hear from the men with no feet, so I cut him some slack on that issue, assuming that it would be rectified once the other issues were resolved. I suspect there are days when a man like him would wish to have no sexual desire at all rather than desires for something out of his reach. That is probably what drives some young people to suicide.

Wow, the bitterness in the previous few comments is crazy -- is it so wrong to say a) that there are people to whom you're unattracted; and, b) that it's dissatisfying to sleep with those people because the people to whom you are attracted (and who are otherwise attracted to you) incorrectly assume that you're a "methed-out tweaker"?

We're talking about a perceived mercy fuck by someone that you're not even attracted to, not just a "pass at the bathhouse".

Ugh. I have a sour taste in my mouth now.

gregorybrown | May 22, 2009 12:56 PM

I had non-Tourette's tics from age 7 until my late 40's. My head jerked to the left--every 7 seconds if I was anxious, according to a friend who timed it. Another neuromuscular condition (more successfully treatable) eventually suppressed that. I know too well about the negative and limiting effects on my social and psychological development, and being alternately told that I would "outgrow" the condition and being treated with various drugs wasn't pleasant. People stared and made rude remarks.
Nonetheless--I pressed on and lived reasonably happily, which included a varied sexual life. There were men who rejected me because I looked odd, and I am not built or endowed with other markers of gay beauty. I'm pleasantly average. But there were also plenty who responded to my approaches, and some surprisingly hot men who approached me, with mutual satisfaction. And some were unattractive by common standards but very sexy and kind and fun to be with.
So, I understand the young man's frustrations too well but wonder if he's not facing realities directly and missing out because he has exaggerated notions about what ought to be going on. That's not intended to diminish the pain he feels because he looks different from most people and has to endure the disdain of fuckwits who are likely to be considerably less than perfect themselves. It sounds as if he has much to give if he stops feeling sorry for himself. He may HAVE some jerks but some of the guys he describes ARE jerks.
Fr. Tony's comments about sexuality for people with physical difficulties are worth pondering. When I was compiling a list of Library resources dealing with teen sexuality I insisted that information for and about people with "disabilities" be included, and was briefly excited by a title i found in the catalog called WATER SPORTS FOR THE DISABLED. It turned out to be completely unlike what my over-active imagination wanted, of course, but I did learn quite a bit about the needs of all kinds of people for affection and sexual contacts.
There's a video on X-Tube posted by a lad with CP.
He has an attractive body, lovely cock, and obviously enjoyed jerking off for the cam. I was impressed with his comfort with self-exhibition and suspect that my own inhibitions were greater than his at the start of the vid. I'm glad he shared that with us.

gregorybrown: you sound delightful and you also sound like you would be fantatic marriage material. I see you and this young 23 year old like night and day and would not compare the two of you together at all, tics or jerks.

Anthony in Nashville | May 23, 2009 6:56 AM

I call foul! His problem isn't that he can't find people who want to have sex with him, but they aren't hot enough for his standard. Despite his imperfections, it sounds like he only wants flawless playmates.

I am not feeling sorry for him.

bigolpoofter | June 11, 2009 12:13 PM

Not to duel in ranking oppressions, but over the last 29 years (since age 15) I've survived 25 brain surgeries and played the same BS games in my head with myself, Gay culture, and society at large when it comes to acceptance. No one wanted me because of scalp and abdominal scars--surprise! Some people see them for the character built by the experience. No one wanted me because I wasn't a skinny shaved blond twink--Screw that! Men paid for this, not just becuase I was cute, smart, and sexually talented, but because I talked with them in caring way about their stuff, too...OMG! And some of them totally didn't care for the twink thing! No one wanted me because I didn't have a double-digit manhood in real inches--WOW! Being average made me appreciate sexual intimacy as more than brute force penetration, and men came back and stayed.

So, guess what, OSG??!! It all comes down to what's inside and what you've got to give to another person in nuture, not the size of your cock, the curve of your pecs, or the tics that take over your body with no alarm. Flaws give us our sparkle and endurance; and anyone whom you let know the deepest parts of you might see that.