Alex Blaze

Bible trading cards and King Eglon's "dirt"

Filed By Alex Blaze | October 04, 2009 1:00 PM | comments

Filed in: Fundie Watch, Media
Tags: Bible, jonathan, ruth

We biblecards.pngget all kinds of pitches around here. This guy wants to make some money in a tough economy, which is entirely understandable. A pack of 5 Bible cards sells for $3.99, and he doesn't even have to pay anyone for the rights to use their image or a sports team to use their logo.

Listening to a pastor's message that our children, ages 6-12, are heavily influenced by mindless violence and secular values of Yu-Gi-Oh, Pokemon and Chaotic with no alternative to inspire children about the bible, Steven Kaye, CEO of Creation By Design, felt a change had to be made. "It is my vision that one child will ask another, I will trade my Abraham for your Micah," Kaye said.

And it is my vision as well that children will one day enjoy the high-priced product I produce so much that they will fight over them, forcing their parents to buy more. The only alternative to secular values is to send me money.

The Bible is a great alternative to those looking to avoid reading about violence. I hope the card for the story where God genocides humanity has lots of pretty animals! Perhaps the King Eglon card will show Ehud's sword stuck in his fat as feces comes out of the wound:

Ehud ben?Gera was the judge who fought against the Moabites, which were ruled by King Eglon. Ehud had made a short double-edged sword about a foot and a half long useful for a stabbing thrust. He then hid the sword by strapping it to his right thigh under his clothing and met the king under the pretense of giving him tribute. Being left-handed, he could conceal the sword on the side where it was not expected.

Ehud then tricked Eglon by saying he had a secret message intended for the king. Eglon sent all of his attendants away to hear the message, and Ehud drew his sword, saying, "I have a message from God for you", and stabbed the king. Eglon was eviscerated by the blow, which punctured his intestines: "and the dirt came out." ("Dirt" here euphemistically refers to excrement; NOAB, Judges 3:21-22, footnote.)

After killing Eglon, Ehud locked the doors to the king's chamber and left. Eglon's assistants came back to check on the king but when they found the doors locked they assumed the king was relieving himself. They "waited to the point of embarrassment" until they finally unlocked the door and went in, where they found their king dead. Ehud escaped during this time and made it to the town of Seriah. He then led the tribe of Ephraim to seize the fords of the Jordan River, where they killed about 10,000 Moabite soldiers.

The creator of these cards says:

He added "it is important to ensure the integrity of words of the Bible are never watered down."

If they can't be watered down, then we have to see Eglon's poop. It's one of the best passages to literally interpret. When they get to that part of the Bible, that is.

They've only done the Penteteuch, so there aren't any cards for those of us who are Jonathan, David, Ruth, and Naomi fans. But I hope they'll put little rainbows in the background for them.

Leave a comment

We want to know your opinion on this issue! While arguing about an opinion or idea is encouraged, personal attacks will not be tolerated. Please be respectful of others.

The editorial team will delete a comment that is off-topic, abusive, exceptionally incoherent, includes a slur or is soliciting and/or advertising. Repeated violations of the policy will result in revocation of your user account. Please keep in mind that this is our online home; ill-mannered house guests will be shown the door.

There are just so many bad jokes possible here I dont' know where to begin. But I'll bet the Jezebel card is popular.

I'll trade you two Davids for a Solomon.

I'm putting down an Ezra, four talons, and a statue of Moloch. BATTLE!