Father Tony

GM Unveils The New 2010 Queer

Filed By Father Tony | December 31, 2009 12:00 PM | comments

Filed in: Living
Tags: addiction and recovery, New Year, recycling

Right. We may not live to see the day when GM will name a car "The Queer", but could it sell any worse than the rest of their products?

Meanwhile, I've come up with a list of ten features, qualities or improvements that I would like to see in every fully loaded 2010 Queer.

1) The new 2010 Queer does not chat or text. He/she has finally realized that pointless and thoughtless communicating is an addiction. Can you put the trash out without having your phone with you? Can you go to the gym or the supermarket without it? If not, you are the 2009 Queer and you need some retooling. The 2009 Queer loved to leave hasty comments on the posted writing of others, but would never take the time to fully compose his/her thoughts and express them carefully. The new 2010 Queer will come with a 75% reduction in mindless chatter and will try to make the remaining 25% significant and careful.

2) The new 2010 Queer will face his/her gluttony and reduce it. It would be naïve to think that we can end our collective addictions to drugs, alcohol, carbohydrates or sex, but the 2010 Queer promises to schedule one week out of every month in which he or she will abstain from some self-destructive physical addiction. Even with limited success, this Queer will, on the last day of 2010, be proud of an achievement that has eluded most of the human race.

3) The new 2010 Queer will not come in various trendy colors, but will be transparent. He/she will not masquerade as straight in his/her community. This Queer will be readily identifiable as a Queer. People will be attracted to the new 2010 Queer not because he/she seems to be like them but because of his/her own unique and unapologetic design.

4) The new 2010 Queer will never in the coming year be parked in the lot of any church that treats queers as second class believers, that treats women as second class members and that considers queer sex intrinsically sinful. The new 2010 Queer will not give even one penny to any church that is not fully inclusive and welcoming.

5) The new 2010 Queer will have a small carbon footprint, will consume less of everything and will recycle much more than ever before. He/she will use and wash and reuse rags rather than paper towels for many cleaning tasks. He/she will stop almost all dry cleaning. He/she will make do with all the clothes he/she already has and will donate many of them that are rarely worn. The new 2010 Queer has air-conditioning but will reduce its usage by 90%, accepting the fact that human sweat is a natural and good thing.

6) The new 2010 Queer will reduce water usage. He/she will use filtered tap water rather than buy plastic jugs of water. He/she will, 50% of the time, leave the home toilet unflushed after urinating. He/she will do the same in a public toilet that he/she will flush only when finding that someone else has left it unflushed. The new 2010 Queer will take pride in calculating the thousands of gallons of water that he/she saved in 2010.

7) The new 2010 Queer will come equipped with jumper cables (kindness). He/she will stop the infighting and savagery and mean-spirited criticism of his/her own friends and family, and will support the good efforts of others.

8) The new 2010 Queer will come equipped with a horn (tough love). He/she will not enable bad behavior in others. He/she will intervene where necessary and will announce the times when the emperor is naked. He/she will be clearly and loudly heard in common traffic wherever he/she is less than equal.

9) The new 2010 Queer will have a diagnostic system that will remind him/her when to get tested for communicable diseases, and a manual that will help him/her stay healthy. He/she will keep a promise to do at least one small helpful act of mercy in 2010 to relieve the suffering of those who are disabled, marginalized or stigmatized because of HIV/AIDS. He/she will do this in secret and with no grandstanding, perhaps anonymously, and in his/her own community.

10) The new 2010 Queer will come equipped with GPS that will find love in the new year even though he/she will not know its location at the start of the journey. This GPS will work where others fail because the 2010 Queer resolved to follow specs 1 through 9 above.

Leave a comment

We want to know your opinion on this issue! While arguing about an opinion or idea is encouraged, personal attacks will not be tolerated. Please be respectful of others.

The editorial team will delete a comment that is off-topic, abusive, exceptionally incoherent, includes a slur or is soliciting and/or advertising. Repeated violations of the policy will result in revocation of your user account. Please keep in mind that this is our online home; ill-mannered house guests will be shown the door.

Brettn Warsaw | December 31, 2009 1:00 PM

Tony - I always read your posts. Whether on Bilerico or JMG you always have something interesting or compelling to say. Being one of your contemporaries from Ft. Lauderdale from the 70's & 80's I have to say I miss your presence down here but I try to catch your posts as often as possible. Happy new year to you and may "Twenty Ten" be your best year yet.

Dear Brettn Warsaw,
Happy New Year to you too!
I'm in Fort Lauderdale for the winter. fathertony@bilerico.com

Completely re-engineered for 2010...built on a new platform and running on a new source of energy! About time for a trade-in.

Such wisdom in trading up... Thanks!

Robert Ganshorn Robert Ganshorn | January 1, 2010 10:02 PM

A scintillating seminal statement in sheet metals guise :)

I. Loved. This. Post.

I want a 2010 model Queer.

cool. i've been a 2010 Queer in almost every way since i came out in 1975. apparently i'll now have company. maybe 2010 will be the year i finally find a date or two.

Actually, Detroit rolled this model out back in 1982! ;) guess who!

Don't flush? I realize we're only talking about urine here... but at the very least it promotes a slippery slope of laziness, IMO. Maybe I'm just too old-fashioned there.

Actually Jenna, this is certainly not an original idea of mine. It has been practiced by many eco-sensitive people. Their mantra is "If it's yellow let it mellow. If it's brown flush it down."
It is the opposite of laziness because we are quite conditioned to constantly flush. I had to force myself to NOT flush as often.

Out here we are supposed to take combat showers. 3 minutes total. Wet. Stop flow. Lather up. Resume flow. Of course I've found it's easy if it's warm in the trailer. If not, well maybe it can wait until there's less people. On the flip side we have mandatory hand washing before every meal; I still suspect we save water.

I resolve to become a late model 2009; tis better to acknowledge the possible, then leap like the coyote out into the chasm.