Bil Browning

Fun with Pat Robertson: Voodoo dolls and press statements

Filed By Bil Browning | January 18, 2010 1:30 PM | comments

Filed in: Fundie Watch, Media
Tags: God, Haiti, Pat Robertson, rightwing nutjob, Satan

After Pat Robertson said that Haiti's earthquake was caused by a deal with the Devil, Pat-Robertson-Voodoo-Doll.jpgconservatives and liberals alike condemned the asshat televangelist. Even the Haitian ambassador responded to Robertson's idiocy.

Now you can buy a voodoo doll of Robertson if you've got some extra change laying about. The doll is on Ebay and all proceeds will be donated to Haitian relief efforts. The current bid is $790 as of this writing.

But who else has responded to Robertson's claims that Haitians made a pact with Satan to drive the French from their country in 1791? After the Christian Broadcasting Network edited the clip from that particular show and attempted to justify Robertson's comments "in a historical context," both God and the Devil put out statements - with both sides disavowing the rightwing nutjob.

They're after the jump.

Minneapolis Star-Tribune reader Lily Coyle penned a response on behalf of Evil Incarnate that took the world by storm late last week. It's the perfect rejoinder for Robertson's stupidity.

Dear Pat Robertson,

I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I'm all over that action. But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I'm no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished.

Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth -- glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven't you seen "Crossroads"? Or "Damn Yankees"? If I had a thing going with Haiti, there'd be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox -- that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it -- I'm just saying: Not how I roll.

You're doing great work, Pat, and I don't want to clip your wings -- just, come on, you're making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That's working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.

Best, Satan

Then Andy Borowitz reported that the Lord Almighty held a rare press conference calling Robertson a "public relations nightmare" and a "gynormous embarrassment to me, personally."

"I pray that his TV show would just go away, but of course, when you're me there's no one to pray to," God said, to the laughter of the packed room of reporters.

While God held out no hope that Rev. Robertson's "700 Club" would be cancelled [sic] any time soon, He did say, somewhat ruefully, "If Pat Robertson were on NBC he'd be replaced by Jay Leno by now."

No word yet on whether or not Conan O'Brian is interested in joining CBN - a network that will stand behind their money-making stars no matter what. According to CBN, Robertson is a kindly old man making a valid point who's just been misunderstood. (Although I hear that privately the network asked Robertson to stick with "Hurricanes are God's wrath for gay pride" mantra.)

His comments were based on the widely-discussed 1791 slave rebellion led by Boukman Dutty at Bois Caiman, where the slaves allegedly made a famous pact with the devil in exchange for victory over the French. This history, combined with the horrible state of the country, has led countless scholars and religious figures over the centuries to believe the country is cursed. Dr. Robertson never stated that the earthquake was God's wrath. If you watch the entire video segment, Dr. Robertson's compassion for the people of Haiti is clear. He called for prayer for them.

Westboro Baptist Church of "God Hates Fags" fame, however, has put out a statement complaining that Robertson is edging into their time slot territory and will "seriously damage" what they "consider to be the greatest franchise in the history of broadcasting."

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I've been reading a lot about the history of Haiti this week, and I can understand a lot more about where Robertson is coming from. There's a long history of racism from US and European politicians towards Haiti, with one sec. of state even remarking that he found that it was funny that there was a country full of "n****rs who speak French." The US didn't recognize Haiti as a country until the Civil War because it was founded on a slave revolt. France wouldn't recognize its nationhood until it paid reparations for its own revolution.

All until the 20th century, when the US invaded and decided to teach them democracy at the end of a gun, praising itself for being so benevolent as to teach the savages about democracy.

It puts Robertson's comments in context. You can draw a straight line from people like Robertson to the antebellum racists who bloviated about how God meant for black people to be slaves. If Robertson had a little less sense he probably would have started talking along those lines.

Love the Nut Jobs! Problem is that way to many people believe the way nut Jobs believe! Can't wait to see how the nuts use the funny comments as sure signs they are right and that Satan and Jay Lenno are related.....