Joe Mirabella

I bet you would like my underwear now!

Filed By Joe Mirabella | March 06, 2010 2:00 PM | comments

Filed in: Living
Tags: gym, like my underwear, pink bikini briefs, underwear

I've been going to the gym lately. There. I admitted it.

It is time I admit it. I won't jinx it at this point. I'm going to the gym and have been 6 days a week since the end of December. I haven't told anyone because I thought like every other time I've started going to the gym, I would suddenly chicken out . I was convinced something would spook me like in 1989 when I was in middle school and our gym teacher admired one of my classmate's pink bikini briefs in front of the rest of the locker room. "Where did you get those, dude?" he shopped.

I was mortified that my skivvy's weren't up to par! It turns out, like most things that are disappointing at the time, it was a good thing my gym teacher was not admiring the features of my basic white fruit labeled underwear. The rumors about him were not good. You can imagine.

I had another gym teacher in middle school that did not spend time looking at us while we changed clothes. Instead he coached basketball. I signed up for basketball because I was taller than my dad. He was convinced anyone taller than 5 foot 8 was born to go pro.

On my first day of practice I wondered if we should put on our gym clothes, or if we were going to just chat. I hoped that we were going to get schedules, a list of rules, maybe watch a movie about basketball.

"So.... should I put on my gym clothes?" I asked.

"What do you think, dumbass," he shouted. "Dumbass" echoed from the rafters of the dome shaped gym for 15 minutes and 45 seconds. All the other kids stared at me. I decided to leave.

The next day he apologized because my mom called the principal and threw a fit. He apologized in the cafeteria, also a dome shaped echo chamber. The school had two domes. We called them boobs.

No one sat next to me for a month, and I became a loogie target on the bus. A big yellow and white one landed on my hand and I puked on the girl all the jocks had a crush on.

Most gyms make me feel like I'm 12. I'll pay a membership fee. Maybe go a few times, and usually quit because I sense a loogie heading in my direction for staring at some dude's arm.

That is not going to happen this time. There is not a locker room. They have lovely plants resting in luminary white pots. Trim, but unpretentious gay boys are everywhere. There are even people like me, awkward geeks with wandering eyes. Today a crack lady hoisted herself through the window. She was looking for her kids, or some beer, or something. I love my gym.

When I think back on the late 80s, I think the reason I was picked on so much is because the kids, and even the adults could tell I was different. I knew I was different. I was just as interested in my classmate's bikini as my teacher was. In fact shortly after our teacher showcased my friend's underwear, I picked up a 4 pack of bikinis at Target.

"I don't know why anyone would want to wear these," my mom bellowed while waving the package in front of the cashier.

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So familiar and written so well.... I think everyone must have an archetypical story much like this one- thanks for adding one of yours.
Look forward to seeing your buff self soon!

Oh man, I can so relate to this. When I was in what was then called junior high (when did it become "middle school"?), we had this "President's Fitness Test" everyone had to do. I have no idea why; maybe there was federal funding involved if we could all do enough push ups. But I can still remember my PE coach, bellowing as I and the other chosen-last-for-everything kid ran our hundred yard dash. "You made it!" he shouted at my companion, then turning to me, he adds, "and you didnt!"

I hated PE. I even took ROTC in college to get out of taking PhysEd in college.

Then I get out of the service and move to SF with my then-boyfriend who wasnt a fitness freak but still wanted to keep reasonably trim -- and I fell in love with it. Not so much the eye candy (which aint a bad reason to go, trust me), but the fact that it's on my own terms. If I want to raise my bench press to 320 from its current 310, it's my goal, not some stupid "fitness program"'s.

Stick with it, Joe. If you havent already, you'll come to love it as much as I do still, even after all these years, I promise.

I've seen Joe lately and you can tell he's been working out. He's looking good! (Not that he didn't before - but he's looking even better now!)

I'm sure wherever he goes, guys are checking him out - and wondering about his underwear. I did! :)

A. J. Lopp | March 6, 2010 11:25 PM

In the late 70's I made the mistake of visiting a gym that was for serious bodybuilders. I was obviously out of place, and by the time I was ready to change back into my street clothes I was realizing what a mistake I'd made. The clincher was when I overheard in the locker room one guy say to the other, deliberately loud enough that I would have to hear, "Looks like we've got a new pussy, too bad it doesn't have any tits."

With sexism like that, the place needed some women bodybuilders quite a bit more than it needed me.

Rick Elliott | March 7, 2010 1:25 AM

When P.E. and gyms where we changed into gym clothes, I was so threatened I signed up for band. It counted as P.E credit. It wasn't until my college freshman year that I had gym class. But I was able to sneak a few peeks by then.