Kate Clinton

The Planet of the Apps

Filed By Kate Clinton | April 17, 2010 12:00 PM | comments

Filed in: Living
Tags: Apple iPhone, iPhone apps, new iPhone apps, planet of the apes, planet of the apps

I was out tinkering in my metal shop the other day. I'm a bit of a tinkerer. I was standing at my workbench, had my steel-toed boots on, leather apron, and my little customized blowtorch in hand. Since phone applications, AKA "apps", are the new gold nuggets in the tech revenue stream, I had my welding mask down and the sparks were flying.

smart-phones.jpgI learned about the new apps craze during the recent mandatory apps show-and-tell portion of every gathering. I walked up to a clutch of guys in a huddle all looking down at something in their hands, like it was the new party version of mine's-bigger-than-yours. They were comparing, bumping info from one handheld device to another. That night I started collecting apps like they were Olympic pins.

First I got Shazzam. When you don't know what ambient song is annoying the bejesus out of you in a restaurant, you just hold your phone up in the air and in seconds Shazzam tells you the name of the song you never want to hear again, original or cover. It's creepy. If you're too shy to actually look around the crowd where you are raving, just check Grindr and it tells you "Cute guy at 4 o'clock." Also creepy. The app "Near Me" takes your location via the satellite we aren't ever going to fund again and tells you what Thai restaurants, bookstores, theaters or clubs are near you.

Since my part-time job as a performance capture actor [i.e. the person who wears black leotard outfits with light-sensitive Alka Seltzer tab things all over and works in front of a green wall for use in animation; you've seen some of my work in Avatar] is on hiatus right now, I decided to invent some apps and sell them. I'm not clear yet about the capitalization of apps, but in answer to the inevitable question, "Who thinks these things up?" that would be me.

So far I have three ready to go. The "Really?" app reminds you were you were last night. For an extra 99 cents, it reminds you who was there and what you ate. My "Scramble" app allows you to scramble FOX news on airport lounge TVs. For an extra 99 cents it will switch from FOX and lock on LOGO. But wait! There's more! My "App-e-Taser" detects any Cheney DNA within a three-mile radius and automatically emits a taser-lite beam. It's drone like and not as much work. Comes with defibrillator-user warning.

More to come! You'll love the "Constant Comment" app; it's for Teabaggers. Also the "If You Will" app remotely zaps anyone who uses that phrase, but I haven't been able to adjust the voltage into non-lethal range. Still tinkering.

Investors welcomed.

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Juston Thouron Juston Thouron | April 17, 2010 4:03 PM

I don't know how to create apps Kate, so I wanted to give you a couple suggestions for real moneymakers.

1) IGEd -Instant Gay Education app that loads a quick gay education video onto any device detected to have viewed Fox News recently. You can load it with your choice of different educational articles or videos such as these:




2) IProg -Instant Progressive app that allows you to load a brief educational video/article on any device detected to have viewed Glenn Beck recently. You can load it with your choice of different articles or videos such as these:



3) IDoubt - Instant Doubt app that allows you to load a brief video on any device detected to have a Catholic owner who has viewed The World Over or Bill Donohue's The Catholic League recently.


4) IBSatire - Instant Bigot Satire. Same as above. But as a comedian you know how satire sometimes confuses people, so keep Poe's Law in mind when choosing your satire: http://rationalwiki.com/wiki/Poe%27s_Law


Just don't forget about me when the royalties start rolling in. :D

I think this is one of the funniest posts you've put on TBP, Kate. I'd buy that "change the airport TV" app in a heartbeat.